Tag: how to

It’s a Brave, Weird, New World

Recently my relationship ended. This means I find myself single but with a different set of emotions than normally happens. It has been a bit confusing to sort through, if for no other reason than the unfamiliarity in which I find myself.

The thing is, I don’t really feel any strong emotions about the current demise of my relationship or being single. I should clarify that I am truly sorry that the romantic relationship is over but it had to end as a few aspects of the relationship would not have been healthy to maintain for either party.

Generally though, when relationships end, there is some level of anger or a deep feeling of loss. I do not have that. Granted, I did not lose the relationship with my former significant other entirely, we are still friends. They know more about me than anyone ever has and we communicate regularly. The end was also amicable so there is no hostility to be had. I’m guessing that is why I don’t have the sadness or the anger that can sometimes happen after a break up. 

Generally, after the grief of a lost romantic relationship passes I start to look towards dating or physical connections with others. This has not happened either. It’s also only been 6 weeks since the relationship officially ended. I suppose that’s too soon to have developed a balanced desire for something intimate or a relationship with someone else. This too feels somewhat natural but also strangely unsettling.

It is as if I am living in a void of emotion at the moment when I am used to feeling more intensity.

Another interesting wrinkle, is I went out with a friend and they were telling me about someone who was going to rendezvous with us later in the day. I was told this person was available and could be amenable to dating me (so much for that person’s autonomy). Also during the day we happened upon another person who I got the feeling may have been interested in me.

I found both of these people attractive, in some ways ideally so, but I didn’t feel any need to go beyond that. In each instance, I was perfectly fine letting the encounter pass.

A couple of my friends said that going through all of this is what it means to be emotionally mature. That I don’t have to fill a space with someone just because there is a space available. Rather, I have the desire to exist in that space myself until I feel that I am balanced again. I suppose that could be true. The void I feel definitely has an unbalanced feel to it.

I am also wondering if my lack of desire stems from wanting something significant, but not yet being ready for that. Don’t get me wrong, I know me and at some point I will probably enter into some type of mutually agreed upon sexual connection that will have no possibility of becoming a romantic relationship.

However, when I resume dating I think I will be seeking less sex and more love.

I think what is also occurring is that I am getting used to allotting my time differently. There isn’t as much mental energy going to a significant other each day and so I am not sending love to another person. The absence of this accounts for my feeling of having no feelings. I am in an adjustment period that I need to navigate successfully before I can begin another relationship.

Perhaps, if I were to spontaneously meet the right person I will find all of this evolving very quickly into something else. I cannot orchestrate that moment though. Right now it would have to happen organically, not via a dating app with that purpose in mind. 

For now though I am not yet content where I am, though I feel it approaching. Once contentment has been achieved then I can progress to being happy. Currently, I am wading through the middle ground and apparently this is where I need to be.

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Article soundtrack: Can’t Swim – me vs all of y’all, Bloomer – deny, Samiam – Crystallized, Itchy – prison light, Enter Shikari – (pls) set me on fire, Real Friends – six feet.

How Long Should You Wait Between Relationships?

We’ve all seen those people who move from relationship to relationship, some of which are extremely long term, without so much as a couple of weeks in between. We wonder what’s going on with them and why they can’t stop. Maybe as you’re reading this you’re one of those people. It’s okay, well it’s not, but we’ll get to that in a minute. What I mean is, there is still hope and you’ll find that taking time between relationships can help you be better equipped to achieve what you really want in life. 

Once upon a time, in a galaxy a couple of miles away I went out with a woman a few times during which she was chastising a previous date who turned her down. His reason was that he had told her she wasn’t ready to date yet. She felt that was patronizing and a bit patriarchal. I get that. However, I’m guessing what he was saying, perhaps poorly, was that she was still carrying around too much unresolved pain to begin a relationship from a place of strength. He didn’t want to be the partner who was chosen because of her insecurities. 

I actually agreed with him, I could also sense this tendency in her. She was still too upset about her recent divorce and the insecurity it left her with to be dating me or anyone else in a healthy way. 

Some people in this situation would date her, either because they are oblivious to what is happening, have their own insecurities, or because they have hope that things will work out. I wasn’t about to become a patch for her personal issues. Folks like her in this situation tend choose partners to make themselves feel better, not necessarily because they are a good match. Keep in mind it is possible that someone could still stumble onto a good match for the wrong reasons. It happens. Generally though, insecurity blinds us to who is truly a good match.

I want to say from the outset that I don’t know all of this from intuition. I know it because I have been down and dirty in the trenches of insecurity myself. I have made all the wrong choices in partner selection before. In the hopes that I can help you from making my mistakes, here are my stages of recovery for judging when I can enter a relationship again. Hopefully you find it instructive.

Stage One: I need it!

If you have an emotional urge to go on a date then it’s too soon. In this stage I guarantee you will find someone with whom to start a relationship. The partner you find is likely acting from a weakness as well. Folks that are emotionally aware and balanced do not generally choose folks who are in the midst of emotional turmoil because it feels unsteady and it takes them in a direction they do not want to be.

You are still too close to the trauma of either the breakup or your emotional insecurity to make wise choices about a partner. You are seeking to fill a void with someone else. It’s not really a void mind you, but that is what your subconscious is telling you. Really, it’s just our unwillingness to go through a little emotional work. We know that work will be unpleasant so instead we opt for pleasure and comfort in the form of a new partner.

In this state, even casual encounters (where hopefully each person knows it is casual) are troublesome, because there is too much of a tendency for people to want to settle back into a relationship. That person you found a few weeks or even a few months after your last relationship ended is probably not the person with whom you will be compatible. Too many one night encounters end up long term for all the wrong reasons. It is perfectly understandable as we are all just seeking comfort, but comfort at this point needs to come from within and not from without.

When this relationship ends, and they generally always do, you will find that you didn’t do any of the personal work that you needed and you are back to struggling with your insecurities. The kicker is you may find that these insecurities are even worse now having been magnified by another dissolved relationship. Shampoo, rinse, repeat.

In case it isn’t clear, this is the point where you should not be dating, it is where you should take some time and be single. Learn how to be content existing within yourself. Get used to the lack of communication from a significant other and focus on friendships and hobbies. Basically, just take time for you to get used to this new phase in life.

Stage Two: I could take or leave it.

This is where you feel like you could take or leave dating. This is actually a good place to be and it often feels like it is enough of a calm. However, I’m going to make the argument that you are not quite there yet.

I say this because this stage is generally where people try to date but get overwhelmed by some aspect of the dating experience. This is evidence that there are still some issues you need to work through.

Everyone has disappointing dates that wear on us and make us wonder if any date is going to work out. This is normal. What I’m talking about is more than that. This is when we get overwhelmed fairly early in the dating experience.

This is also the stage where I find I can still get hooked on someone before we even meet. Not always mind you, but if that happens then alarm bells should be going off.

Stage Three: Do I even want it?

The final stage is where you will wonder if you’ve gone too far the other way. When I start to question whether I want to date at all because I’ll have to change my routines and accommodate someone else then I know I am actually in a good place and now is the time to start swiping on those dating apps.

Many people envision this as having gone too far the other way but I couldn’t disagree more. You have found comfort in being single and now you are questioning changing that comfort for someone else. Accordingly, your comfort will only be amended for someone who is worth incorporating into your life. This is far better than the other stages where comfort is seen as coming from someone else.

In this emotional state I’m pretty even keel. No matter how many of my boxes someone checks off before we meet I rarely get excited. Even when I do, it’s still a state of being wide open to possibility but simultaneously aware that statistically there’s a better chance of things not working out. 

It’s just being at peace with the fact that you are going to meet far more people that you don’t click with than you do. If you’re falling for everyone you date then you are still back in stage one. 

This as you can imagine is the hardest place to reach and one that I fear many people have never experienced in their life.

My tip

If you have never done this before then expect to have some uncomfortable things revealed to you. There can be moments when this is difficult especially as one tries to move out of stage one. Knowing that you should wait but dealing with your emotions that tell you to throw your hat into the dating ring can feel horrible. It’s the realization that your brain is trying to self-sabotage. It might make you realize just how out of control you are and that ain’t a pretty sight. Believe me, I know.

Objections and caveats

Some people say that you can come to terms with your emotional state while dating. This is true. This is also what I am trying to help you avoid. That sounds weird doesn’t it?

Coming to terms with your emotional state while dating is what will likely end your poorly chosen relationship. You will realize that this person is not a good fit for you. The reason for that is you never achieved clarity between relationships. This guide is meant to help you choose better partners by not caving into your insecurity.

Plus the time is only going to do you favors in your next pairing. I guarantee when you find a partner who wants to be serious that they will appreciate the distance between your last important relationship and them. No one wants to enter a relationship with someone fresh out of their last one. We only do so, out of fear.

I should also say that this whole thesis depends on whether you are looking for a long term relationship. There are those folks who are not. I am not asserting that a committed relationship is the gold standard. It is however, what most people at least claim they are trying to achieve.

I also think this applies to polyamorous breakups even when a person is maintaining a relationship with other paramores. Heal from the loss of one partner and check any insecurities it creates before setting out to find another.

I’m also not suggesting that your emotional house be completely squared away. I’m not even sure this is possible. You don’t have to be perfect before you start dating, rather you should just make sure that you have done the emotional work so you are not acting from insecurity. Hopefully, this will help you better choose your next partner.

Tips For Guys Wearing Women’s Jeans

In a previous writing I discussed my new found interest in blending my wardrobe and wearing some pieces of women’s clothes in public. During my online searches for alternative ways of dressing I found a lot of folks asking if guys can wear women’s clothes. Now who knows what they meant by this. Some were probably interested in venturing out and expanding their self-expression. Others still, were probably trying to make their shame someone else’s problem by policing gender.

For those hoping to branch out and find women’s clothes to wear then yes, you can absolutely put on something cute and flit about town. Since I have some experience in this, I thought I was in a key position to help men out in their quest.

For those who feel the need to police how others may dress; see a therapist.

I must caution that I have resorted to generic terms of men and women, masculine and feminine, for the sake of clarity. However, make no mistake that if these labels don’t fit you, then trust me when I say that I see you.

I’m going to begin talking about pants because I think that is an easy way to introduce a piece of women’s clothing into your wardrobe in a more subtle way than a shirt or a dress would be. Because we often slowly explore things rather than jumping straight in with an entire wardrobe, this seems like a good place to dip in the proverbial painted toe. So let’s start at the top and work our way down by learning a little about women’s pants.

As you will soon find out, I will be referencing the penis and testicles fairly often as that is a chief issue with form and function when crossing clothing styles. So don’t get squeamish on me now.

Where to shop

The only way you are going to know what size works for you is to try some things on. When I started crossdressing I bought things discreetly online. I’m also on a budget so that often means getting things preowned from places like Ebay. The key here is to find sellers who actually do the measuring of their garments. If you buy new from online or even online auction sites, just go to the clothing manufacturer website of the item you are thinking of purchasing and use the size chart to your advantage.

You’ll need to pick up a clothing measuring tape (also used for body measurements) to find out what your actual measurements are. Clothing sizes are wishful thinking at best.

If you are in the store, finding your size is much easier and probably cheaper in the long run. Grab a couple of sizes that you think are approximate and head to a dressing room. 

Waist

In women’s clothes waist size is a series of numbers that has nothing to do with any real world number. I find that I may be anywhere between a size 4 and an 8 depending on which brand and style I have in my hands. It’s infuriating. It would be great if all clothing manufacturers actually used real world measurement as a size. Nothing is true in clothes anymore though and we carry shame about the actual measurements of our waist in part because clothing manufacturers are doing stupid shit like this. 

However, here we are so this means you’ll have to know your actual measurement if ordering online. Do not use the size of your men’s pants because that shit ain’t real either. The men’s jeans I buy list a 28 or 30 waist, but my actual waist measurement is closer to 32 inches.

Stretch fabrics will also measure differently than non stretch fabrics. Within the same brand you may find that a size 6 for instance will fit you in a stretch jean but will require a size 5 in regular jean fabric (or that scenario in reverse).

Some pants, generally non-jean materials, have a size of small, medium, large and so on. The manufacturer’s size chart is a good tool here if you can’t try these pants on in person.

If you’re going to try things on in a store then knowing your measurement isn’t as important as you can just try them on and go from there.

Rise

The rise in a pant is the measurement from the bottom of the crotch to the top of the waist band. There is ultra-low (rare nowadays but popular in the late 90’s), low, mid, high, ultra-high (popular as of this writing and goes by various names).

Low rise works for some guys but others will find it uncomfortable. If you are thin and a low-rise waist doesn’t create a muffin-top kinda scenario for you then you might find this style a good fit. 

An unintentional benefit of these pants is that because they have less distance between the bottom of the crotch and the top of the waistband the zipper is placed lower and takes up a greater area of the front of the pant which makes standing to pee a bit easier. However, the low rise also means it’s a short zipper so it’s still not the easiest feat when it comes time to go fishing for your penis. 

While you’re wearing low-rise pants, bend at the knees and squat to the floor. Where do the pants go? If they start to make you look like a handyman who could use suspenders then go with a pair of pants with a higher rise. You could also look for a low rise style which doesn’t fit snug on your upper thighs which can sometimes contribute to pulling your pants down during such a maneuver. However, I’m not here to yuck your yum, so you do you my dear. 

If the pants stay mostly in place and require very little repositioning when you stand up then this could be a good rise height for you. Even with little movement, I still prefer to wear a belt with low rise pants just to help keep things in place. It keeps the pants snug on my butt, which makes me look better and also gives me a way to accessorize by adding a masculine or feminine flare.

Mid rise is probably where most guys will be comfortable. Pants with this level of rise sit where most people (aside from your 90 year old uncle Harold) wear their pants. A mid rise pant will move around less when bending over as well. I’m guessing that a belt here is still most people’s friend, but you’ll know more about that when you try them on.

High rise pants are a bit of a mystery to me. I don’t have the body type to make these look good. Even if I did, my main concern would be function. Women’s high rise pants often still retain a  small zipper but it is positioned even higher than most other style pants. That means that your deliciously naughty bits sit below the zipper behind a piece of fabric generally bisected with a seam. So if the seam pushes too far up you can end up with a moose knuckle look. Now I am a fan of seeing curves in this type of scenario but it may not be your thing so just keep that in mind.

The other concern is that a higher zipper placement means nothing is lined up to pee whilst standing. You’re going to have to drop trow in order to make that happen. Welcome to a woman’s world.

The other issue with high waisted pants is that they are made for wider hips and a narrower waist. Flaunt it if you got it, but most guys are not built like this so I could see how the fit could miss the mark on multiple fronts.

Leg/Fit Style

Flexibility can be an issue for a number of the styles we are talking about here. Try a pair on, raise your legs, squat down, and just get a sense of how much flexibility you will have. I love how some jeans look but have passed on getting them due to a lack of functionality.

Skinny/Jeggings

Skinny jeans are those which generally hug your legs from start to finish. These also include jeggings which are extremely stretchy jeans that fit like leggings. Be careful with jeggings because a tight fitting ankle is often easy to slide on, but difficult to get back off when dealing with larger feet and ankles. I do not recommend a low rise in this style as crouching will always pull the pants down.

Additionally, while jeggings can be made of extremely stretchable fabric they are often too tight to allow complete free range of motion when raising your legs or bending down. I am extremely thin but even I find these uncomfortable. The flexible fabrics also double to serve the wearer with a mission impossible; positioning your genitalia in any way that could be considered aesthetically pleasing. So while these might be fun around the house (something I still don’t find to be true) they lose utility whilst going about your day.

Bootcut and Flare

These are pants which get larger towards the leg openings. Men’s pants have boot cut options so that style is not a foreign concept for most guys. Flare pants generally have a larger leg opening still and will definitely denote to others that you are wearing women’s pants. It’s a stylistic choice for both of these and some are more subtle than others. Generally these pants fit tighter on the upper leg and relax more as they go down, but each brand is different.

Wide Leg

Similar to boot cut and flare but more relaxed through the thigh and often have a flare at the bottom. Width can vary from slightly wide to extremely wide based on style preference.

Straight

Pretty simple. Just as with guys pants these are a straight shaped leg from start to finish. If you want a feminine look but still retain just a hint of that mysterious and wonderful androgyny then try these as they are also slightly relaxed.

Mom jeans

Yup, here we are. These are jeans that generally have a high waist but a more relaxed fit through the thighs and legs. Some taper toward the leg openings and others are more of a straight leg. It is a broad category and each manufacturer has their own variation on this loosely defined style.

Boyfriend jeans

Like mom jeans, this one is hard to nail down, but these generally hover around a mid-rise waist and have a more relaxed fit somewhere between straight and wide leg. However, like mom jeans, designers are mixing and matching to such an extent that it is hard to tell what you’ll end up with in terms of rise and leg style.

Leg length

Finally something we can talk about that is simple. These run the gamut of petite/short, extra/short, petite, short, regular, long, tall, x-long, and so on and so forth. The best way to find this out is to measure your inseam and use fitting charts online or try them on in the store. Interestingly, leg length is usually accurate so the inseam listed on your guy pants should transfer over to the size chart for women’s. While we are deathly afraid to know our waist size apparently we have no such qualms about the length of our appendages, well . . . most appendages.

Cautions

So here are the extra little things you should know about women’s jeans. 

The tighter the fit through the hips then the less room you will have for your genitalia. I buy pants that fit fairly snug through the hip area. While walking I do not notice anything but I am used to being cradled by brief underwear anyhow. If you wear boxers, yawn . . . sorry I drifted off there for a moment, then this will be a much different transition for you. 

Sitting down is another thing altogether. Things get a bit tight but I honestly enjoy the feeling. It’s a reminder of what I’m wearing and I’m not uncomfortable, rather I’m just getting used to a different fit. I don’t notice it much anymore but I still wouldn’t want to wear them for a 12 hour cross country drive. For most situations they work just fine. Your results will vary and there is no way to know until you give it a go.

I alluded to this but allow me to say outright that your underwear selection matters … a lot. Those boxers I mentioned before are not going to work. In fact, just throw those out all together, you’re not doing anyone any favors. In boxers you are hanging free which means that the seam in women’s pants are pretty much going to position everything to one side or another which isn’t going to look good at all. Something that holds your bits in a pouch is going to be much better as everything will stay a bit more centered. All briefs are not created equal. I have found that the tighter a pair of underwear holds me in place then the better off I am wearing them with my women’s jeans. Still, there is no ideal positioning unless you’re going to tuck entirely. Something is going to favor one side or another. For me I just try to minimize it as much as possible but then embrace whatever I can’t hide.

If you are doing a low-rise jean then some underwear may creep above the waist band. This could be a style that might work for you if your undies are fashionable and less so if your waist band says Fruit of the Loom. Luckily, briefs also come in different rises so if this is a continued problem I’d try a lower cut.

A tighter pants fit also gives a better look at your butt. The drawback here is that the lines your underwear creates can be problematic. Jock-strap underwear may create a dented line where your butt meets your legs as can some briefs. Plus if your goal is to show off your butt (and I have long thought that it should be) then, in my opinion, a thong is the way to go. The pants will be able to cradle each butt cheek without the added resistance of a full panel of fabric from conventional underwear getting in the way. This will allow your posterior to have as much definition as possible.

The other drawback is pants that make your butt look awesome are also just as form fitting in the front which leaves no room or flattering way to position a penis and however many testicles you have. It’s an unfortunate reality, but here we are nonetheless.

Women do benefit here by having seamless underwear. Unfortunately, those will not work well if you have a penis as the lack of seams just allows everything to fall out. 

If you’re going to go the full crossdressing route or are transitioning then there are what they call gaffs to help hold everything in a more concealed position, but I do not have experience with these so I cannot comment further. There is also a company called FIT4U Solutions that claims to have compression underwear without the need for tape or gaff. Again though, I have no experience with these.

The most functionally infuriating thing is pocket space. Women have been rightly complaining about this for years. This is something that you need to check out when you’re trying on pants. Some styles have so little pocket space you’ll wonder why they are even there (some pockets aren’t there). I have a small minimalist wallet the size of a debit card and I can barely fit that into my back pocket. My keys, also minimalist, occupy an entire front pocket. My phone, which is a smaller model (notice a pattern here), sticks out of the other front pocket. Admittedly, I like my phone showing on the front because it is what I’m used to seeing when women wear those pants. Therefore, it makes me feel more feminine. In reality, it’s simply a result of poor design. If I was doing anything with a lot of movement I wouldn’t feel that my phone was safe, but it’s fine for just strutting around.

Color

The last consideration is color. Conventional wisdom says that if you’re looking to conceal some of your masculine lines then dark colors will help accomplish that. I think that’s true but you also have to like how you look in them and so if you find a pair of jeans that you really like and they are in red, white, or whatever then I say just go for it. Wear what makes you feel good luv.

There you have it. I hope I have covered everything you wanted (pun partially intended). Folks with penises can absolutely wear women’s jeans. In fact, my opinion is that these bodies look all the more dreamy in femme fashion. I also vote for letting your bulge show, but given that I really need to work on controlling my drooling in public, I’ll leave that choice up to your preference and comfort level which is all that really matters anyway.

Go out, have fun with it, and let your femme flag flutter like a summer dress in the breeze.

You’re Woke And It’s A Huge Problem

Woke was a term that when I first heard it, I thought it was a novel way to describe oneself. By the second time I came across it, the word had already soured. I realized quickly that it would be a self congratulatory term and as liberals we do too much of that as it is. 

Perhaps the biggest challenge to any group but most certainly the liberal/left is to check your ego at the door. We like to think that our views (or perhaps our belonging to a disenfranchised group) put us above others, that we are somehow better than whatever out group we have established. The truth is, most of us are still jerks that live a very unexamined life. If that sentence pisses you off then you need to keep reading more than anyone else. 

We hide behind labels. If we are woke, feminist, liberal, and egalitarian then we can’t be sexist, racist or transphobic. We make those who are outwardly racist/sexist/queer phobic evil and so we must be by opposition, automatically good. 

If being critical of racism, sexism and heteronormativity makes you feel good about yourself then I assure you that you are doing it wrong. Why do you feel good about affording people a basic level of decency? It is because you have positioned yourself against your so-called villains that you seem so accomplished and enlightened. 

Casting ourselves as heroes shuts down our critical thought. This is why women and people of color (though by no means exempt from my criticism) lament the emotional labor they have to expend on their supposed allies and sometimes ask for spaces which exclude us. 

We are still sexist. We expect certain physical or personality traits from out partners (you must be this tall/short and masculine/feminine to ride). The idea of what male and female is has been deeply embedded in the ways we think and act. We think we choose our partners freely but that is no closer to being true than it was 50 years ago. Sure we can marry a wider breadth of people than we could then, but our stereotypes still remain as to how people must look and who they can be in relation to us.  

We have more diverse friends now but how many of those friends serve to make you feel good. I have a friend who talks about being the token black guy among his liberal friends and as much as I’d like to assure him that this isn’t true I know there is an element of truth to it. Likewise, as a queer man, who cross dresses occasionally, I watch liberal women’s faces light up when they tell me they would gladly go out on the town with me in drag. What a story that would be for them and it’s a great way to get your “woke card” stamped. 

Our privilege (ie: ignorance) surfaces when we ask someone to speak for all people of their identification or sexual persuasion. It happens when we occupy the spaces of feminists or people of color and feel resentful that our opinions aren’t weighted to the degree we are used to. It happens when we use others to atone for our “social justice sins” by hogging the spotlight for ourselves and our woes. We want to be good but not at the expense of others noticing how good we are. We languish in our selfish habits. 

Essentially, we rely on others to do the work that we should damn well be doing ourselves. No one is asking you to break down and ask forgiveness from the group (i.e. representation of the other). They are asking you to listen, then take responsibility and put your words where your mouth is. You have to do your own work. The information is out there if you look for it. I hate this term but I’m going to use it, “google it!” Alternatively, ask people what might benefit you to read or watch and then actually do it. 

For instance, I’ve been reading work by trans folks/people in an attempt to understand them as much as I can. It’s shocking how much I thought I was being an ally and yet I was still making so many assumptions that could hurt them and their cause. It’s hard to learn we are wrong but it’s absolutely necessary. Moreover, learning there may not be a correct way to view certain things, like gender, can be exciting and humbling all at once. It’s not always fun work but it’s work that needs done. 

While you’re taking in new information be so honest with yourself that you’d rather not. Then be honest even more because I guarantee you that no matter how much work you do there is still more to be done. Your job of self growth ends when you do. And for god (that I don’t believe in) sake, drop the fucking self-congratulatory labels.

Why You Should Always Share Your Herpes Status

The other day I received a message on Grindr that I found disturbing. I know what you’re thinking, “of course you did, it’s Grindr.” However it wasn’t one of those typical messages and in what I presume was a first for the app there wasn’t a penis anywhere to be seen. 

Since most seem to use the app for hookups I have listed my positive herpes status front and center. In reply to my warm greeting they wrote back, “sharing your herpes status seems extreme when there are so many treatments that make it untransmittable.” 

Abrupt? A little. My initial message said nothing about herpes. It was about relationships and the emotional aspect of waking up with someone in the morning (a response to her profile). To begin a conversation by ignoring my message and delivering a critique is a dick move for sure but that is beyond the scope of what I want to talk about. 

The key issue at hand is about revealing your positive status. You can choose to do this whenever you would like so long as it is prior to any activity that might risk transmitting herpes to someone else. Unfortunately, that means activities using your mouth for folks whose infections could surface orally and your deliciously naughty bits for those where it could surface genitally. 

So let’s get to their claim. 

To be sure, there are antiviral drugs out there but there isn’t a single company advertising anywhere that their product will render herpes noncommunicable. The only way to say that definitively is if a drug actually eliminated the virus. This would be a groundbreaking claim as nothing has been able to do anything other than manage herpes to this point in time.

Viral shedding is a possibility and so far it doesn’t seem like anyone knows definitively when this is or isn’t occurring, just that it can occur. So while the risk certainly drops when on antivirals, there is no way to say with certainty that herpes is noncommunicable in any state of activity or dormancy. 

If we look critically at someone who feels it isn’t necessary to reveal that they carry a communicable disease to an intimate or sexual partner we have to ask why. Why would someone choose not to reveal this?

After all, disclosing this status doesn’t mean you won’t find someone and it doesn’t even mean you will never have sex again. Trust me on that point. However, it does probably mean that some people will decide to skip the opportunity to date or have sex with you because of it.

It’s herein that lies the crux of hiding a positive status. People don’t want to disclose their positive status because they know that it will thin out the number of people willing to have sex with them. They want to have sex and since they already have herpes there is no further risk to them (except for other sexually transmitables). All that’s left now for them is to not care about their sexual partners. 

I can hear them now. “It’ll be okay. They won’t get it.” Allow me to say that we most certainly can get it and there are no altruistic reasons for hiding your positive status, only selfish ones. 

There’s a lot of reasons the United States is experiencing a resurgence in the reported incidence of sexually transmitted diseases and infections. One of them is surely that someone decides it isn’t worth telling the people with whom they have sex. We are living in increasingly selfish times. 

The one thing I think about when my mind drifts through the how and why of herpes is “I wonder if the person who gifted me this wonderful little critter knew ahead of time?” I don’t regret my choices. I may have made each of them exactly the same all over again, even if I knew one or more of my partners had herpes. Herpes for me is not a life changer, it’s just something that can happen. 

However, even though I’ve made peace with it, there was a time when I would have been extremely upset to find that the person who gave me herpes knew their positive status and hid it from me. If someone suspects or knows they have herpes and conceals it from sexual partners then that is a reprehensible act. I would feel horrible if an informed partner contracted herpes while with me. The grief I would feel from giving it to an uninformed partner would be worse yet; a moral atrocity that would haunt me for the rest of my days. 

Hiding a positive status from someone where sex is eminent is violating the very notion of free and informed consent.

If you have herpes then you owe your partners the right to choose. Those of us with a positive status don’t have the right to make decisions for another person’s body and health. This is a matter of autonomy that no one should intrude upon. 

Personally, I want my partners to know that I respect them enough to help them experience the freedom, even the power, not just to choose but to walk away from the relationship if they want. If they do leave then we obviously weren’t a match. If they stay then I know I mean enough to them to be worth the chance. There is value in both outcomes. 

There’s something to be clear about at the close of this article which is that informing a partner doesn’t make you saintly. This is just what people should be doing for one another. Choosing to sidestep the act of doing another person harm is the bare minimum of what being a decent person entails. It’s just that there are so many self-absorbed folks out there that those of us with a modicum of empathy and respect shine by comparison. 

Be decent and share your status.

When Online Dating Goes Poorly

If you date long enough you are bound to have a succession of encounters that don’t go as planned. Romantic interests disappear, don’t show up, blow up over something small or just generally seem like train wrecks. Occasionally, when these occurrences stack up it can start to weigh on you. The question then becomes, what to think about these situations and how do you process what happened?

Trust me when I say that this happens to everyone. In fact, that’s what inspired this piece. I was watching my friends go through the same types of occurrences I was and it made me realize what a universal experience we were having. This was despite the fact that we were searching for vastly different types of people. Allow me to share a less than ideal week from my dating past so you can have a few examples. 

I met someone for a date that didn’t go well. Sadly, it was some of the most shallow conversations I have had on a date (I guess someone had to win that title). The one important thing we touched on was that the other people she had been out with didn’t feel as if she liked them so they quit asking her out. I also came to the conclusion that her repeated claims of independence served as a cover for her apathy and distance from others. However, since I generally give people the benefit of the doubt on first dates I decided to see her one more time. After all, maybe she was just nervous and we would have a better time the second go round.

Despite saying she would like to go out again, she would take 24 hours to return each of my messages. This meant that every day our conversation would progress one additional text. This is far from ideal and doesn’t exactly scream “I’m interested,” so I decided to make an inquiry. 

I asked if she had any interest in continuing our connection. I mentioned that the infrequent communication made me feel as if she wasn’t interested and I wanted to check in to see what she was thinking. I let her know that if she wasn’t interested in meeting up again that I would understand and there would be no hard feelings on my end. She replied quickly this time; I must be needy she said and she is no longer interested. I didn’t spend any effort trying to convince her otherwise. I thanked her for her time and wished her well. 

The second scenario involved a person who didn’t want to text except to set up a time and place of my choosing in which to meet. When I suggested we get together for a drink so we can get to know one another they ripped into me saying, “Would you approach someone you liked in public and ask to meet for a conversation?”

Since walking up to total strangers and asking for their hand in marriage has historically been fraught with problems for me, I tend to take a more cautious approach over a drink or dinner. Finding out who someone is and what they believe is important. It beats waking up one day after 20 years and saying wait, “you’re actually 30 years older than me, don’t speak any English and are running a fanzine for white supremacists?” Humph! Fool me once . . .

I tried to ascertain what this person meant as their text while full of emotion wasn’t exactly clear as to the meaning. They never messaged back. 

The final incident was with someone I enjoyed messaging. We were trading jokes and they had a sharp wit about them. Everything was going well and on day two when I went to ask them out they had removed our match and were gone. It felt unfortunate for me because I was looking forward to meeting. 

Situations such as these can be frustrating. It can be challenging to match with others and if those matches end up being the types of experiences I mentioned then it can be especially demoralizing.

So what was going on with these people and in similar situations how should you handle it? In truth, I don’t know what made them act as they did, and I don’t intend this to be dismissive, but I don’t need to know either. I also don’t think you should pay it any mind because if done properly you’re probably better off without their company. Here’s the first thing you should know. 

Be the best version of you. 

This is so vitally important. You should always be as kind, compassionate and understanding as you can. I’m operating under the premise that you want to be these things. If you’re one of those folks who wants to be a jerk all the time then be that, people will appreciate knowing to avoid you from the very start; just know the rest of this article is more about you than for you. So, if you aren’t rude, shallow, sexist, off putting, or exhibiting any other horrible traits then there’s a huge upside. 

You see, it’s worse to try and tailor yourself, however slight, to another person’s interests and then have things not work out. You will wonder “what if I was actually being true to who I am, would this still have happened?” If you’re honest and forthcoming and things go south there’s nothing to second guess. You were the good you and if they didn’t like that then it’s okay. After all, you want someone who will appreciate you for you. In situations like this, it was probably a simple mismatch in personality and not only is this common, but it’s nothing to worry about either. 

So once you’ve done some introspection and checked yourself then you’re good to implement these next ways of viewing your situation. 

It’s most likely not about you. 

I alluded to this above. Our personalities come out through any type of contact so you shouldn’t worry about a simple personality mismatch because statistically that’s going to happen most of the time. 

The other thing that happens is a lot of folks seem to get triggered nowadays and I think it’s partially because we have put dating at our fingertips. There’s nothing wrong with dating apps (in fact I think they’re great) but it does mean that more people are dating before they are ready. 

Think about the difference between dating now and 20 years ago. Back then, you had to tend to your appearance, go outside of your home, and work up the nerve to approach someone in person. This took a lot more resolve than it does now. Today you can put yourself online while laying in bed wearing your favorite crossdressing outfit (Ah come on, I know it isn’t just me). So it makes perfect sense that once folks begin messaging on dating sites/apps that they might decide they aren’t quite ready to be out there just yet. That’s perfectly understandable. 

The other thing is that it’s hard to know what’s going on in someone’s life. Everyone has their own demons and triggers and it’s not your responsibility to be accountable for them. I know that sounds harsh so allow me to expand upon that idea. Just like before, I’m not saying you can be a jerk but if you unknowingly hit on something that is upsetting someone then you aren’t to blame. 

You may text someone about a dog laying at your feet and make them realize they are too heartbroken over recently losing their pet and they aren’t in a position to be open to someone else yet. They may never respond to you again after this realization and that is their choice but it’s not your responsibility that a regular conversation triggered them. 

That was a fairy innocuous example (one which actually happened to me) but the point is, maybe they have had a horrible day, have commitment issues, an abusive relationship in their past, or any number of things. There is certainly a reason but you’ll likely never know what it is. It would be great if everyone who was triggered could have a discussion when it happens. That’s not how being triggered usually works; people tend to retreat, not open up. 

Just operate in good faith and don’t let it get under your skin. 

Try to assume the best and keep on rolling. 

I can hear you saying, “why do I assume the best?” It’s a good question and the answer is simple. You have two ways of thinking about this. You can internalize it and make it about you. This is a mindset that will eventually bring you down wondering if you’re good enough. This way of thinking can eventually become a form of self harm. Or you can say, “they must have had something going on in their life for them to act like that, I hope they find what they want.” This approach is a forgiving way to view someone who may be having a difficult time and it leaves you relatively unencumbered to venture on to someone else. 

Also keep in mind that if you date long enough then you will eventually become someone else’s mystery. Think of a time when you messed up by being triggered, didn’t text or call someone, or otherwise just dropped the ball. It’s alright. It happens, but you probably wanted the benefit of doubt in those situations so extend a few good vibes their way as well.

Ultimately, it is on them. 

Whether you know it or not, folks who respond poorly, negatively, or not at all, on a consistent basis are creating problems for themselves more than they are for you in that moment. 

For instance, remember the infrequent communicator I mentioned earlier? She said her past dates didn’t think she liked them. Given my experience, I’m pretty sure I know why. I could tell by her tone that this was causing her pain. It was much more painful for her than her seeming lack of interest was to me. 

It always sucks to have these types of things happen, but don’t let it keep you down for too long. Remember, you’re rolling on to other experiences and to find someone else. Some of these folks are likely to repeat their patterns again and again. You don’t need to be a part of that. 

Really. Count your blessings 

First off, the people I mentioned above don’t really seem like those you would want to date do they? A person who ghosts someone without a word, someone who thinks so little of another they can’t be bothered to respond for 24 hours at a time, and another person who feels it necessary to chide someone during their first interaction for following their instructions. 

If you were dating folks who react like this then things probably don’t look up from there. They are giving you their best foot forward and it badly needs some fungicide and a pedicure (because everyone looks better in nail polish). I know in my life letting these folks go has felt like stepping off the tracks in front of a screaming locomotive that is bound to derail. It’s one of those situations where I scratch my head as it passes and ask out loud, “what the heck was that all about?”

So take solace in what is probably a fact, and is certainly the main takeaway from this writing, they weren’t in the same mental space as you anyway. That’s okay. Thank your lucky talisman that you found out in the very beginning. Now you can free up that time and space for someone who can thrive with you. 

It’s okay to be upset. 

I don’t want you to think for a minute that you can’t grieve or be upset about some of the lost opportunities you’ll have while dating. Some folks you are going to become attached to quickly and your thoughts will drift to the what-if’s. When those connections sour it can make you feel as if you missed out and that can be even harder. Very few people would fault you for feeling that way. 

So by all means take some time to recover if you need. Cry if you feel it necessary as it is wonderfully restorative. Taking time to heal is what will keep you centered in the long run. 

All of this fades in time

There will be a moment when you won’t even remember most of these folks anymore. I know I wouldn’t have remembered the people I spoke of if I hadn’t started this article soon after meeting them. Don’t let the experience stick with you when the faces aren’t likely to. This is one blip in your life that you aren’t likely to remember any more than who sat behind you in second grade. So keep in mind that what bothers you today isn’t likely to do so tomorrow. 

Dating isn’t always easy and there are folks out there who seem to make it their duty to be difficult. Remember though, that things don’t always go according to plan and that’s to be expected. Know that it isn’t about you and that sooner or later you will be back to meet someone else. You’ll keep doing that until one day you’ve found someone special with whom to spend your time. Be kind, be self-aware, and keep your head up; the trains here run around the clock. 

Teaching Moments: Why you shouldn’t tell someone to Google it

Dating (and defining ourselves in general) can be a frustrating experience and often times when people don’t do the research into your identity terms it can be frustrating. However, don’t tell them to look it up. For one that makes you look like a giant dick so leave that shit off your dating profile, plus you don’t know what site they will use. If they go to the urban dictionary, which is complete shit, then they might come away with a pretty toxic view of who you are. Let them ask you if they want and look at it as a teaching moment for them to learn about you in your voice. They want to know about you from you. That’s pretty flattering.

http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2016/01/why-telling-each-other-to-google-it-hurts-our-movements/

The link above has some other good reasons to stop you from telling people to just look it up. Take care and happy dating.

This is Your Brain on Drugs

In his TED Talk entitled, “Relationships Are Hard, But Why?” Stan Tatkin takes an approach you may not have considered previously. Relationship difficulties are largely because of how our brains function. That and because we’re wrong pretty much all of the time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xKXLPuju8U

So learn how to help cope with that crazy shit you think by starting with his speech. It’s helped me immensely.

Identify Bots on Grindr and Beyond

Since I dissed on Grindr yesterday I’ll leave you with a helpful article to navigate it safely should you decide to stay with the app.

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2015/08/11/warning-these-grindr-profiles-are-actually-robots-trying-to-steal-your-info

I find it’s actually really easy to weed out the robots on here. Some clues are the height listed as the article mentions, an amazingly chiseled photo of some dude, poor English, or the fact that the conversation immediately jumps from hello to sharing pictures.

Always make your first question something that another person (or robot) can’t answer with yes, or cool, or just hanging out. So if they say “what’s up?” Reply with “Well, I just finished listening to my favorite band. What type of music do you listen to?” When the reply is “Good, I’ve just been working out and I’m horny” then you know you’re talking to a computer program or a total fucking moron. Either way you can ghost them and move on.

State of the Relationship Address: 4 pointers for dating and beyond

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It’s been awhile since I’ve posted one of these State of the Relationship articles. This is mainly because things have been going good for me as of late and sometimes it’s harder to know what to write in exceptional times as opposed to those of turmoil.

For the last six months I’ve been dating one person and I’ve learned so much from the experience. I’d like to talk about a few of those things here because I think that people don’t do this enough and it may be as helpful to you as it was me.

1. Push Your Boundaries

It helps to keep an open mind when you are dating or in any relationship. If I had stuck to my old habits and deal breakers I would have never met the person I am with now and trust me when I say that I would be poorer for it.

Obviously, there are boundaries you don’t want to cross. Dating someone with a recent history (or maybe any history, though I think people can change – see note 3) of perpetrating abuse on another is one that immediately comes to mind. I’m not asking you to step over that boundary. That’s a healthy one to have.

Take a look though at which of your deal breakers and boundaries are built upon biases and assumptions. Challenge them head on. I went against what I thought was my better judgement at the time to date the person I’m with now. I’m so glad I did because not only did I stumble (I can be inept despite my best efforts) my way into a relationship with an amazing person, but in exploring her personality traits that I thought were deal breakers I discovered that things weren’t at all what I had imagined them to be. Learning about my partner helped me understand her better. It helped me discover things about myself even and created some wonderful bonding moments for us. I don’t think these things could have happened had we not both pushed our boundaries and taken the time to understand one another.

2. Being Open Doesn’t Mean Being Completely Open

So I’m pretty much an open book. I have no real secrets and in a normal day to day conversation (I’m not sure I really have these, I tend to gravitate to deeper topics) I might tell someone any number of things about me that some people are guarded about. I’ll talk about my sexual proclivities, the fact that I cross dress and how it makes me feel and pretty much anything and everything else.

This helps people see who I am and it generally allows them to feel as if they can open up to me. Most eventually do and I love sharing that experience with them.

However, I’ve learned that there is a limit to this. I’ve always said that being open and honest is not an excuse to be cruel. Now I have another caveat to add to this, which is that it also doesn’t mean that I can share the details of other people’s lives without consideration. I thought that being open and true to myself meant that I had to be completely open about everything. I’ve since realized, with some help, that this should only extend to myself.

At first, this felt like a betrayal of everything that it meant to be me. How could I be open if I had to keep some things in reserve? Then I came to realize that having people open up to me was a measure of trust and that with this came responsibility. Now I realize the importance of privacy and to be truthful, I like the balance so much more. Some people need greater levels of privacy than others and navigating the differences in respect to the needs of my friends seems much more responsible

3. People Can Really Change

We’ve all heard the mantras about how humans don’t change who they are. Whether it’s “once a cheater always a cheater” or whatever other label you want to put in that cliche. The truth is though, some people change certain behaviors and some don’t. There is no rule that spans across humanity in general. The key is finding those people who want to change while trusting and helping them to do so.

Reading through the second item on this list should have been a really good example of how someone can change. Being open is a defining characteristic of who I am and changing that in any way was painful to me. However, through some talk with others and introspection I came to see that there was a better way of doing things and that it didn’t mitigate my need for openness or change who I was in any negative way.

The human experience deals us a mixed bag. Most of us have those personality traits that we can recognize as beneficial and valued by others. All of us have insecurities (or anxiety, ADHD, depression, etc.) and sometimes those insecurities or states of being lead to behavior that isn’t generally approved of by others. Knowing this about yourself is a good thing because the extension of this is that it is also happening to everyone else around you.

If someone is trying to tackle their obstacles head on then that’s pretty fucking huge. Give them some slack. Better yet, talk with them if possible to understand their situation and see if there’s any way you can help. Don’t expect to be their savior, you can’t be, just be there for them and do your damndest to understand what it is they’re telling you. These are the people that are capable of change and they deserve a chance to show you how awesome they really are.

4. Understand Before You are Understood

I had forgotten this little gem of wisdom, passed down to me by my grandmother, but her words came back with importance as of late and I’m glad they did.

So often I’m so concerned with making sure that someone knows where I’m coming from that I forget to really listen to what they are saying. I just want to make sure they aren’t hurt by something I said, but my inattentiveness can hurt even more. However, when I calm my mind and listen to their feelings I get a better understanding of them. That’s pretty valuable for obvious reasons. I really do care about them and taking the time to listen and understand them first is a way to demonstrate that. When I do this, the usual outcome is that I end up addressing some need that I hadn’t thought about before. This is an emotion that would have gone completely unattended had I not taken the time to understand my partner. I also learn how to better express my feelings to ensure that we are both talking about the same thing. This is relationship gold folks and you have my grandmother to thank.

The End: Be Prepared to Stop

So there you have it. Some things I learned about myself that I hope you can apply to your life. What are some positive things you have learned in your relationships to others? Please share those or your thoughts about this article in the comments section below. I would love to hear from you either way.