When Online Dating Goes Poorly

If you date long enough you are bound to have a succession of encounters that don’t go as planned. Romantic interests disappear, don’t show up, blow up over something small or just generally seem like train wrecks. Occasionally, when these occurrences stack up it can start to weigh on you. The question then becomes, what to think about these situations and how do you process what happened?

Trust me when I say that this happens to everyone. In fact, that’s what inspired this piece. I was watching my friends go through the same types of occurrences I was and it made me realize what a universal experience we were having. This was despite the fact that we were searching for vastly different types of people. Allow me to share a less than ideal week from my dating past so you can have a few examples. 

I met someone for a date that didn’t go well. Sadly, it was some of the most shallow conversations I have had on a date (I guess someone had to win that title). The one important thing we touched on was that the other people she had been out with didn’t feel as if she liked them so they quit asking her out. I also came to the conclusion that her repeated claims of independence served as a cover for her apathy and distance from others. However, since I generally give people the benefit of the doubt on first dates I decided to see her one more time. After all, maybe she was just nervous and we would have a better time the second go round. 

Despite saying she would like to go out again, she would take 24 hours to return each of my messages. This meant that every day our conversation would progress one additional text. This is far from ideal and doesn’t exactly scream “I’m interested” so I decided to make an inquiry. 

I asked if she had any interest in continuing our connection. I mentioned that the infrequent communication made me feel as if she wasn’t interested and I wanted to check in to see what she was thinking. I let her know that if she wasn’t interested in meeting up again that I would understand and there would be no hard feelings on my end. She replied quickly this time; I must be needy she said and she is no longer interested. I didn’t spend any effort trying to convince her otherwise. I thanked her for her time and wished her well. 

The second scenario involved a person who didn’t want to text except to set up a time and place of my choosing in which to meet. When I suggested we get together for a drink so we can get to know one another they ripped into me saying, “Would you approach someone you liked in public and ask to meet for a conversation?”

Since walking up to total strangers and asking for their hand in marriage has historically been fraught with problems for me, I tend to take a more cautious approach over a drink or dinner. Finding out who someone is and what they believe is important. It beats waking up one day after 20 years and saying wait, “you’re actually 30 years older than me, don’t speak any English and are running a fanzine for white supremacists?” Humph! Fool me once . . .

I tried to ascertain what this person meant as their text while full of emotion wasn’t exactly clear as to the meaning. They never messaged back. 

The final incident was with someone I enjoyed messaging. We were trading jokes and they had a sharp wit about them. Everything was going well and on day two when I went to ask them out they had removed our match and were gone. It felt unfortunate for me because I was looking forward to meeting. 

Situations such as these can be frustrating. It can be challenging to match with others and if those matches end up being the types of experiences I mentioned then it can be especially demoralizing.

So what was going on with these people and in similar situations how should you handle it? In truth, I don’t know what made them act as they did, and I don’t intend this to be dismissive, but I don’t need to know either. I also don’t think you should pay it any mind because if done properly you’re probably better off without their company. Here’s the first thing you should know. 

Be the best version of you

This is so vitally important. You should always be as kind, compassionate and understanding as you can. I’m operating under the premise that you want to be these things. If you’re one of those folks who wants to be a jerk all the time then be that, people will appreciate knowing to avoid you from the very start; just know the rest of this article is more about you than for you. So, if you aren’t rude, shallow, sexist, off putting, or exhibiting any other horrible traits then there’s a huge upside. 

You see, it’s worse to try and tailor yourself, however slight, to another person’s interests and then have things not work out. You will wonder “what if I was actually being true to who I am, would this still have happened?” If you’re honest and forthcoming and things go south there’s nothing to second guess. You were the good you and if they didn’t like that then it’s okay. After all, you want someone who will appreciate you for you. In situations like this, it was probably a simple mismatch in personality and not only is this common, but it’s nothing to worry about either. 

So once you’ve done some introspection and checked yourself then you’re good to implement these next ways of viewing your situation. 

It’s most likely not about you

I alluded to this above. Our personalities come out through any type of contact so you shouldn’t worry about a simple personality mismatch because statistically that’s going to happen most of the time. 

The other thing that happens is a lot of folks seem to get triggered nowadays and I think it’s partially because we have put dating at our fingertips. There’s nothing wrong with dating apps (in fact I think they’re great) but it does mean that more people are dating before they are ready. 

Think about the difference between dating now and 20 years ago. Back then, you had to tend to your appearance, go outside of your home, and work up the nerve to approach someone in person. This took a lot more resolve than it does now. Today you can put yourself online while laying in bed wearing your favorite crossdressing outfit (Ah come on, I know it isn’t just me). So it makes perfect sense that once folks begin messaging on dating sites/apps that they might decide they aren’t quite ready to be out there just yet. That’s perfectly understandable. 

The other thing is that it’s hard to know what’s going on in someone’s life. Everyone has their own demons and triggers and it’s not your responsibility to be accountable for them. I know that sounds harsh so allow me to expand upon that idea. Just like before, I’m not saying you can be a jerk but if you unknowingly hit on something that is upsetting someone then you aren’t to blame. 

You may text someone about a dog laying at your feet and make them realize they are too heartbroken over recently losing their pet and they aren’t in a position to be open to someone else yet. They may never respond to you again after this realization and that is their choice but it’s not your responsibility that a regular conversation triggered them. 

That was a fairy innocuous example (one which actually happened to me) but the point is, maybe they have had a horrible day, have commitment issues, an abusive relationship in their past, or any number of things. There is certainly a reason but you’ll likely never know what it is. It would be great if everyone who was triggered could have a discussion when it happens. That’s not how being triggered usually works; people tend to retreat, not open up. 

Just operate in good faith and don’t let it get under your skin. 

Assume the best and keep on rolling

I can hear you saying, “why do I assume the best?” It’s a good question and the answer is simple. You have two ways of thinking about this. You can internalize it and make it about you. This is a mindset that will eventually bring you down wondering if you’re good enough. This way of thinking can eventually become a form of self harm. Or you can say, “they must have had something going on in their life for them to act like that, I hope they find what they want.” This approach is a forgiving way to view someone who may be having a difficult time and it leaves you relatively unencumbered to venture on to someone else. 

Also keep in mind that if you date long enough then you will eventually become someone else’s mystery. Think of a time when you messed up by being triggered, didn’t text or call someone, or otherwise just dropped the ball. It’s alright. It happens, but you probably wanted the benefit of doubt in those situations so extend a few good vibes their way as well.

Ultimately, it is on them

Whether you know it or not, folks who respond poorly, negatively, or not at all, on a consistent basis are creating problems for themselves more than they are for you in that moment. 

For instance, remember the infrequent communicator I mentioned earlier? She said her past dates didn’t think she liked them. Given my experience, I’m pretty sure I know why. I could tell by her tone that this was causing her pain. It was much more painful for her than her seeming lack of interest was to me. 

It always sucks to have these types of things happen, but don’t let it keep you down for too long. Remember, you’re rolling on to other experiences and to find someone else. Some of these folks are likely to repeat their patterns again and again. You don’t need to be a part of that. 

Really. Count your blessings 

First off, the people I mentioned above don’t really seem like those you would want to date do they? A person who ghosts someone without a word, someone who thinks so little of another they can’t be bothered to respond for 24 hours at a time, and another person who feels it necessary to chide someone during their first interaction for following their instructions. 

If you were dating folks who react like this then things probably don’t look up from there. They are giving you their best foot forward and it badly needs some fungicide and a pedicure (because everyone looks better in nail polish). I know in my life letting these folks go has felt like stepping off the tracks in front of a screaming locomotive that is bound to derail. It’s one of those situations where I scratch my head as it passes and ask out loud, “what the heck was that all about?”

So take solace in what is probably a fact, and is certainly the main takeaway from this writing, they weren’t in the same mental space as you anyway. That’s okay. Thank your lucky talisman that you found out in the very beginning. Now you can free up that time and space for someone who can thrive with you. 

It’s okay to be upset

I don’t want you to think for a minute that you can’t grieve or be upset about some of the lost opportunities you’ll have while dating. Some folks you are going to become attached to quickly and your thoughts will drift to the what-if’s. When those connections sour it can make you feel as if you missed out and that can be even harder. Very few people would fault you for feeling that way. 

So by all means take some time to recover if you need. Cry if you feel it necessary as it is wonderfully restorative. Taking time to heal is what will keep you centered in the long run. 

All of this fades in time

There will be a moment when you won’t even remember most of these folks anymore. I know I wouldn’t have remembered the people I spoke of if I hadn’t started this article soon after meeting them. Don’t let the experience stick with you when the faces aren’t likely to. This is one blip in your life that you aren’t likely to remember any more than who sat behind you in second grade. So keep in mind that what bothers you today isn’t likely to do so tomorrow. 

Dating isn’t always easy and there are folks out there who seem to make it their duty to be difficult. Remember though, that things don’t always go according to plan and that’s to be expected. Know that it isn’t about you and that sooner or later you will be back to meet someone else. You’ll keep doing that until one day you’ve found someone special with whom to spend your time. Be kind, be self-aware, and keep your head up; the trains here run around the clock. 

Your Dating Profile Sucks

Part 1: Photos

So here you are online dating, but is your profile working for or against you. I can definitively say you’re making a number of mistakes that are hurting your chances at matching with someone else.

I suppose your first question should be “why should I listen to this guy?” I understand completely. I mean who the fuck am I anyway? It’s true that I’m pretty run of the mill and maybe not the person most people try to attract. I’m just a radical, feminist kinda guy who loves to paint his nails and wear women’s clothing. It’s all pretty standard conservative stuff really.

However, all of that awesomeness aside, you should listen to me because I have read literally thousands of dating profiles. More than that I examine them. Have you ever looked at someone’s profile and known that something about it doesn’t sit well with you but you can’t place it? Well, I can place it. I know what mistakes people make because I see them over and over, every day. These mistakes in wording and judgement are pushing people like me, or someone who doesn’t cross dress if that’s not your cup of tea (weirdo), away. You are missing prime opportunities to draw in quality people no matter how attractive you are.

The good news is that while the mistakes are many, they are super easy to fix. Moreover, correcting these missteps will almost certainly improve your chances and make you stand apart from the crowd. Let me help you to create a better profile.

As an aside: I’ve found that I can’t, nor do I want to, write this without being snarky. So just keep in mind that this is all in good fun. Except for my tips, those are dead serious.

Today I’m going to deal with photos. Since that’s a major part of a profile, and something you really can’t have any luck generating interest without, it’s a logical place to start.

Photo Tips For Everyone

Your photos are supposed to generate interest about you and make someone actually want to meet you. Ideally each photo should be about something different. In my case, this means I only post one of me cycling. Any more than that and someone is going to think “Alright lycra boy I get it. You ride a bike. My five year old can do that.” Even though it’s a big interest of mine I don’t want to make someone think negatively if it’s perfectly avoidable. Plus, my interests are more varied than cycling anyway. I’m more than a one trick pony and so are you.

So as you read through these tips keep that in mind. You want to avoid the pitfalls listed below while also creating some variety.

  • To start with, you need at least four current pictures. More than that ideally. If you can max your profile out with photos then do it already. The photos should be within the last six months and absolutely none outside of a year.  Anyone who has dated at all has had the experience of meeting someone who looked a bit more ragged than their photos suggested. Trust me, you don’t want to be someone else’s horror story.Having said that, I think it’s reasonable to have one photo that has been edited. I go back and forth on this truthfully, but I have never been offended by one retouched photo. However, if they all look edited no one is going to trust what they see and with good reason.
  • Have a full body pic. If every pic is from above looking down or only shows you from the shoulders up then people are going to assume the worst and not give you a chance. I know this is going to shock you but unless you have a complicated system of pulleys and mirrors people are going to see your whole body when they meet you for a date. You might as well show them ahead of time. If they don’t like what they see and bug out then you’ve saved yourself some time, cash and maybe self-esteem. Maybe it is shallow that someone disregard you for your body type but wouldn’t you rather that shallow person dismiss you at your profile rather than on a date with you. This is one of those times when it’s okay to weed people out from the start.
  • Find out what people are posting photos of in your area and don’t do that. Seriously, If I see another photo of a woman doing yoga on a mountaintop or in a meadow I’m going to start dating out of state. Boring! Mix it up people. Use a friend’s profile or change your filter settings for an hour or so and do a little perusing. Hell, just ask your friends what they’re tired of seeing. If they use a dating service at all they will be able to tell you pretty quickly.
  • Stop posting “I help third world country” pics. Look, it’s great that you took a week’s paid vacation to go show some people in Africa the abundance of America’s agricultural products while posing for a selfie or two, but you’ll look like the asshole I just described even if your heart is in the right place. Just say that you were fortunate enough to be able to volunteer with the Peace Corps or Doctors Without Borders rather than showing it. The same goes for missionary work.
  • No memes. Your prospective date doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your gym/love/life philosophy (or whatever your favorite quote is). You’re losing a prime opportunity to showcase something about yourself to the world through a picture. Plus, it screams “I’m not interesting so here’s some words in the form of a photo.”
  • No artistic work. So you’re a photographer or a painter; that’s cool. Look some people prefer the artistic types (I tend to), but just like with memes you are losing a chance to have people get a look at you. Send them a link to your website or a photo if they ask, but make your profile photos work for you not your hobby or career. Plus, it makes it seem like you care more about your work than your dating life. Maybe that’s true, but you don’t want to insinuate it right from the start. – There is one way to pull this off. If you have a photo of you standing in front of your art gallery or holding a painting then use it so long as you are clearly featured. Only do this once. Remember you’re selling you not your work.
  • Pets and children. Of course, I lumped them together. They both drool, love chew toys and you can’t leave either one unattended in a car without cracking the windows. Everyone knows you love them, but unless you are in the photo with them leave that stuff on your Facebook page where it can annoy the people you know and not the one’s who might want to date you.This is especially true if they aren’t your kids. Instead of having a photo with some children and saying, “these aren’t my kids” just don’t post the photo. If it’s important enough to specify that they aren’t your own children then you shouldn’t have it there in the first place. Eliminate the confusion. Your date can find out about your wonderful nieces and nephews through conversation or a creepy first date family slide show.
  • Leave your good looking friends at home. Yeah, I just went there. I know this is horribly fucking shallow, but remember you’re on a dating site where people are using photos as a measure of attraction. So if you’re not the most attractive body in the photo guess where the attention is going to go? There’s a reason people write “can I match with your friend” on their dating profiles (don’t do this either by the way unless you want to look like a giant dick). The point is, don’t give people a reason not to look at you.
  • So by now you should understand pretty firmly that any photo not of you is dead weight and actually a hindrance on your profile. However, if you decide, against all of my stellar advice, to post a photo of scenery or some other asinine thing do not make it your first picture that everyone will see. If you do people will pass you by without a second thought.
  • No grainy photos. I shouldn’t have to say this. Even the crappiest of cameras produces a usable image nowadays, but somehow people keep posting these horribly pixelated images. Your prospective dates want to see you not Qbert.

Here are some specific tips for the masculine and the feminine among you. I’ve only grouped them this way because they are common mistakes that I see primarily men or women making. However, I still recommend reading all of them because they can still apply across the biological and gender spectrum.

Women: First, if you want to stand out from the crowd then you have to actually get away from the crowd! No group pics! Okay maybe one, but only if your photos number 5 or more. Here’s the deal. No one gives a rat’s ass about your friends. Don’t get me wrong, your friends are awesome to you and when you find someone to date consistently hopefully your partner will come to love your friends as much as you do, but they’re useless on your profile and they detract from you. Put up one photo to prove you have friends and focus the rest on you. Avoid groups of five or more because no one can see you anyway. You might as well post a photo of the Milky Way with an arrow saying “I am here.”

The above rule includes photos of you and one other person. I kid you not, I’ve looked through numerous dating profiles where every picture is of two people. If someone has to keep swiping back and forth to compare features like they’re part of some C.S.I. facial recognition team then expect them to not even bother.

I know we’re all special snowflakes and I appreciate that, but even snow flakes have to be examined under magnification because from a distance they all look the same. So make sure people only have one flake to look at, you.

Guys: For fucks sake! Stop taking selfies in your car or in front of your bathroom mirror or any mirror for that matter. You know how you look at people who make a duck face in their pictures, well that’s how they’re looking at you. It’s that bad.

While we’re at it. You only get one picture where you are wearing glasses and/or a ball cap (anything that obscures your face). What’s that? You have four photos and you’re wearing sunglasses in each one of them? Well, unless you’re Cyclops from X-Men lose the damn shades! People want to see what you look like, not imagine it.

All of these things hint at insecurity. It says that you’re more comfortable taking the picture yourself than having someone else do it and that when you’re in public you hide behind fashion accessories. (I’m playing fast and loose with the term fashion since we’re talking about baseball caps).

You’re going to have to make a bold move here. Next time you’re out with your friends have them take pictures of you doing whatever it is you’re doing. People don’t need to see your friends in the photo but they’ll know that your phone doesn’t have iHover so there must be someone holding it.

On the flip side of things, if you’re secure with yourself it is imperative that you keep your shirt on at all times. If you don’t most people are going to think you misplaced your Grindr/Fetlife photo and/or that you are a tool. The one exception would be a beach photo and you should only have one of those unless having two means one of them shows you buried in sand up to your nipples.

While we’re at it, consider it a good idea to leave those dead animal photos off of your profile. By all means, go ahead and mention that you hunt and/or fish. This way you’ll still scare off the animal rights activists, but people who are fence sitting won’t be repelled by the site of you and a carcass.

True story: I used to hunt (still would if it were easier to do where I lived) but the idea of someone posing with an animal they killed is completely disrespectful to me. Almost nothing makes me run from a profile faster and I guarantee I’m not the only one.

And for the love of everything good in the world, please consider smiling. I don’t want to talk to the guy who looks like he was just told he has two weeks to live, much less date him and neither will anyone else. I’ve seen guys who actually look mean and scary with their somber countenance. I know it’s unfair to tell another person to smile. I’m sorry and I fucking hate it when someone tells me to smile.  It’s arrogant, condescending and an insensitive form of emotional erasure. However, almost all of us smile at some point throughout the day. Consider showing that in at least one photo (ideally more) so people know it is part of your life and that you aren’t so dead serious.

Take a number of photos and have someone who knows you pick out the best one. It may not look natural because you never allow yourself to be photographed that way, but a close acquaintance will know because they see you smile often. Trust their judgement.

Finale

Well there you have it; a whole fist full of pointers about how to better your profile photos. Stay tuned for more dating profile advice down the road. Next I’ll cover what your writing should include and what you should leave out.

In the meantime, what do you think? Is there something I forgot to include when it comes to profile pictures? Sound off because I’d love to hear from you. Give me your love & ire.

Why I Don’t Care About Your Myers-Briggs Result

If you’re unaware, the online dating world is fraught with people clamoring to fill their profiles with information about their personality type. This makes perfect sense except that this information is almost invariably provided by the results from taking the Myers-Briggs personality test.

I’ve had a decent handle on who I am since I was about 18 years old, at least as it pertains to my personality traits, and very early on I learned that tests like Myers-Briggs don’t amount to a steaming pile of, well . . . beans. The results never really matched me and I would get different results based on when I took them. I pretty much always ranked personality tests into the same mental category as astrology; they’re both fun to tinker with for 15 minutes or so, but woefully worthless in the grand scheme of things.

Apparently, I’m not alone and the psychiatric community has long disavowed any usefulness for these tests. So instead of using that vital space on your profile to tell me about your personality test you can use it to mention which sports team you root for or that you swipe right for dogs or beards. I can’t get enough of that.

http://www.vox.com/2014/7/15/5881947/myers-briggs-personality-test-meaningless