Category: sex

State of the Relationship Address: Call me Jena!

As my partner slid her hands beneath my dress, pushing it up around my waist, I asked “Will you call me Jena?” This is something I had wanted for a long time but for whatever reason the femme side of my gender was rarely on display during my sexual encounters with her. She complied, but I could sense a little unease in her voice as she said my name. So I took over referring to myself in femme ways and relaxing into a roll I so desperately wanted to fill. Doing this for the first time and accepting that part of me was exciting and liberating. Everything inside me had been leading in this direction.

After this experience, I asked my partner how she felt using my femme name (admittedly, something I should have done beforehand). For a little background, my partner is a cis-woman and as straight as they come. By my telling of it, she has never found any part of a woman attractive in any significant way. She is attracted to male-bodied me and yet has been supportive of me wearing whatever female clothing I desire in private or in public.

Still, she said using a femme name for me was not something with which she was comfortable. It did not create any attraction for her. Quite the contrary, I got the impression that it created a kind of repellant visceral response (the opposite of attraction basically).

I want to be clear that I do not fault her for it in any way. While I think there are aspects of attraction that we can control and help shape, there is also a part of desire that cannot be forced. Accepting this duality has been central to my own journey of exploring sexual attraction and even gender identity. I accept and support her boundaries.

Additionally, for about two years we have had an agreement that I could be with other queer folks sexually. For this arrangement I would be non monogamous and she would be monogamous. This was actually her idea initially and one which she mentioned a couple of times before I actually accepted it as a viable possibility. We did this because I wanted to continue exploring my queerdom and retain my visibility as a queer person.  

During that time of being able to “date” (or whatever you want to call it) other folks I had talked to many folks but none who could muster up any interest that went much past the tip of their genitalia. I also found it hard to believe that my partner was one hundred percent okay with this arrangement. Accordingly, I didn’t want to proceed full steam ahead and do irreparable damage to our relationship. As a result, I had only been with one other person who was a dear friend of mine on one occasion.

So when I initially heard that she couldn’t accept calling me Jena I was worried but knew that perhaps I could still explore this aspect of me with others. I felt like I still had a lifeline and an outlet in which to revel in who I was becoming. A week or two later this too came to an end.

My partner told me that while our relationship arrangement made logical sense to her that she couldn’t accept it on an emotional level. Now that she had discovered and spoke her truth, I was happy to focus instead on monogamy. The clarity of monogamy has always felt reassuring and I find simplicity and beauty in the practice.

All of this creates a number of quandaries for me. Is my femme side in any form a problem for her that will eventually surface? For now, I am aware of the possibility, but am accepting that I have heard the truth as best as she currently knows it and am proceeding accordingly. 

The larger issue for me is that now that I am monogamous can I express my femininity in such a way that is still fulfilling for me while not being off putting to my partner? Is it possible to walk this line and leave everyone happy or will tending to her boundaries squelch my identity? Furthermore, is it even reasonable to walk a line at all where gender identity is concerned? Isn’t it more preferable to be who I want and need to be and let the chips fall where they may?

I don’t pretend to have the definitive answers, or any answers, but I do want to talk about what I have discovered while wrestling with these questions.

Realizing My Femme Side

In my past, I had kept my femininity shutoff from the outside world. I was closeted on purpose. Growing up I was surrounded by people who didn’t understand virtually any queer issues nor did they make an attempt. They mainly ridiculed and disparaged those who were different. Twenty some odd years ago, I shared a few pics with the person who was my first spouse. They were of me wearing her undergarments. Later when she was upset about something, she said, “I leave for a week and the first thing you do is dress up in my underwear.” I didn’t know exactly what this meant as it didn’t pertain to the argument at the time but I got the picture. I was expected to knock it the fuck off. 

I had reached out to someone I thought I could trust and I received a scolding that was the death knell to me living openly with her. I didn’t want to experience that again and in small minded (I mean small town) America it was sure to happen each time I tried to publicly become who I needed to be.

So I kept it all under wraps. I dressed in femme ways only when I was alone and my partner was gone. I never mentioned it to her again. Later with other partners I was able to bring this side of me to life but mainly did so only in the bedroom; the most private of spaces.

This year though I have started wearing women’s clothes (pants and shorts) out in public. It is still less than I would like to wear, but it is a process and I am in the middle of it. Still, dressing with femme clothes in public is removing the secrecy around my gender. It is helping to give me some visibility as a queer person.

Likewise, when I was chatting with folks on dating apps I was leaving it up to people to call me by my masculine name or my femme name. Those who chose my femme name lightened my step. It felt foreign to be called Jena but it also resonated with me and made me happy. Having this quality in my life makes me feel more rounded and gives me visibility as a queer person. It’s as if my figurative masculine edges are being sanded down a bit. I like that.

What I’ve Learned . . . Kinda

This revelation is another step in understanding where I have been and in some ways where I am at now. My desire to be femme during intimacy was because I had kept this side of me in relative secrecy. I’m curious to see if having the femme me on display in public will erase the need to be referred to this way occasionally by my partner. If this is the case then I’m not walking any figurative line at all. Problem solved.

Conversely, if I still have the urge to be more femme than my partner can handle then it will be unfair to myself to continue walking someone else’s path. It seems as if this is the more likely outcome. While dressing femme in private led me to also dress in public, the occurrence of the latter has not diminished the occurrence of the former. So it seemingly follows that using my femme name in public is still going to be something I desire during intimate moments as well, though that experiment has yet to be conducted.

It must be admitted though that in a monogamous relationship that one half of the experiment is missing. I can’t use my femme name during intimacy to see how much I need to express that part of me. I just have to wait and see if I think I want it used. If I do, the relationship will end and I’ll have to hope that I was correct and that I didn’t make the wrong choice. It has become a much larger burden under monogamy than it was previously.

I used to feel as if I had a clean slate to explore and write down who I wanted to be. Now the surface of my slate is hemmed in with words to direct my path. I can write down who I am so long as I do not obscure parts of the slate which already contain the writing of others.

Keep in mind, I’m not asking to go back to nonmonogamy. That didn’t work and anyway, I don’t need it. It’s just that now I don’t know how to proceed. However, proceed I must because there is no other option before me.

I have had a difficult time writing this because I do not truly know where I stand. Each line I put down on the page feels shaky and dangerous. How much of what I write here is being constrained by the boundaries of my partner and by my fears? Truthfully, I do not know. Only time will reveal that answer. I have tried to be as kind and yet truthful as possible. I know that being gender fluid is firmly a part of me. I’m unpacking it piece by piece and while it feels good to do so, I’m scared of the consequences that my thoughts on this page could have in my current relationship. Seeing it all typed out here is less than reassuring.

If the romantic aspect of our relationship does not survive then it is no one’s fault. In fact, it will be for the best of all possible reasons. That my gender identity does not line up with her sexual attraction is certainly no one’s fault. It is just one of those unfortunate things which can occur as people grow.

For now, my partner says she is comfortable with me dressing in femme clothes and is good with incorporating these clothes into our intimacy. This gives me hope and currently I could use a little more of that.

Horny Hometown

They say you can never go back. Sometimes though that isn’t true. 

I’m from a small town in the middle of nowhere Illinois. When I was a child I had a crush on a fellow classmate. He didn’t know it at the time. What I didn’t know is that he also had a crush on me.

Once we were out of school, I would occasionally bump into him at the store. I would say hello, hoping he would say anything back. It never really happened. Crushes can be weird that way. 

Twenty five years later we discovered our mutual interest and discussed possibly meeting up to fulfill some part of our desire. 

The thing I didn’t mention about this small town is that it is somewhat incestous. Through social media I watch people bounce from person to person, classmate to classmate; married to one and then another. It’s like a game of romantic musical chairs and when the music stops for the final time you die with the one you’re next to. 

I often wonder if anyone imagines potential romantic partners existing outside of that two mile square radius. 

My crush messaged me to say that another classmate was in a bar and had just made a couple of moves on him. He seemed very excited about it all. Nothing against either of them but I suddenly became aware of the dynamic I was considering entering into.

I don’t think I am above anyone that lives there, it will always be a home, but I don’t want to become another townie fuck toy. Someone who is just a tidbit of conversational fodder consisting of “hey did you hear who so and so had sex with!” A coupling with my crush would initiate me into the familial order of the small town orgy. It’s not that the talk alone bothers me, I’m sure I’ve been a part of the gossip round table before. It’s that I don’t want to become part of the culture and what it represents. I do not want to shrink back down to fit in there. 

I realized that during my return trips, I visit the same place I was at during high school, the same place I was at when I married at 20, the same place I was at when I divorced years later, and the same place I left 900 miles behind me 8 years ago. 

Nothing there has changed, except for me.

Why You Should Always Share Your Herpes Status

The other day I received a message on Grindr that I found disturbing. I know what you’re thinking, “of course you did, it’s Grindr.” However it wasn’t one of those typical messages and in what I presume was a first for the app there wasn’t a penis anywhere to be seen. 

Since most seem to use the app for hookups I have listed my positive herpes status front and center. In reply to my warm greeting they wrote back, “sharing your herpes status seems extreme when there are so many treatments that make it untransmittable.” 

Abrupt? A little. My initial message said nothing about herpes. It was about relationships and the emotional aspect of waking up with someone in the morning (a response to her profile). To begin a conversation by ignoring my message and delivering a critique is a dick move for sure but that is beyond the scope of what I want to talk about. 

The key issue at hand is about revealing your positive status. You can choose to do this whenever you would like so long as it is prior to any activity that might risk transmitting herpes to someone else. Unfortunately, that means activities using your mouth for folks whose infections could surface orally and your deliciously naughty bits for those where it could surface genitally. 

So let’s get to their claim. 

To be sure, there are antiviral drugs out there but there isn’t a single company advertising anywhere that their product will render herpes noncommunicable. The only way to say that definitively is if a drug actually eliminated the virus. This would be a groundbreaking claim as nothing has been able to do anything other than manage herpes to this point in time.

Viral shedding is a possibility and so far it doesn’t seem like anyone knows definitively when this is or isn’t occurring, just that it can occur. So while the risk certainly drops when on antivirals, there is no way to say with certainty that herpes is noncommunicable in any state of activity or dormancy. 

If we look critically at someone who feels it isn’t necessary to reveal that they carry a communicable disease to an intimate or sexual partner we have to ask why. Why would someone choose not to reveal this?

After all, disclosing this status doesn’t mean you won’t find someone and it doesn’t even mean you will never have sex again. Trust me on that point. However, it does probably mean that some people will decide to skip the opportunity to date or have sex with you because of it.

It’s herein that lies the crux of hiding a positive status. People don’t want to disclose their positive status because they know that it will thin out the number of people willing to have sex with them. They want to have sex and since they already have herpes there is no further risk to them (except for other sexually transmitables). All that’s left now for them is to not care about their sexual partners. 

I can hear them now. “It’ll be okay. They won’t get it.” Allow me to say that we most certainly can get it and there are no altruistic reasons for hiding your positive status, only selfish ones. 

There’s a lot of reasons the United States is experiencing a resurgence in the reported incidence of sexually transmitted diseases and infections. One of them is surely that someone decides it isn’t worth telling the people with whom they have sex. We are living in increasingly selfish times. 

The one thing I think about when my mind drifts through the how and why of herpes is “I wonder if the person who gifted me this wonderful little critter knew ahead of time?” I don’t regret my choices. I may have made each of them exactly the same all over again, even if I knew one or more of my partners had herpes. Herpes for me is not a life changer, it’s just something that can happen. 

However, even though I’ve made peace with it, there was a time when I would have been extremely upset to find that the person who gave me herpes knew their positive status and hid it from me. If someone suspects or knows they have herpes and conceals it from sexual partners then that is a reprehensible act. I would feel horrible if an informed partner contracted herpes while with me. The grief I would feel from giving it to an uninformed partner would be worse yet; a moral atrocity that would haunt me for the rest of my days. 

Hiding a positive status from someone where sex is eminent is violating the very notion of free and informed consent.

If you have herpes then you owe your partners the right to choose. Those of us with a positive status don’t have the right to make decisions for another person’s body and health. This is a matter of autonomy that no one should intrude upon. 

Personally, I want my partners to know that I respect them enough to help them experience the freedom, even the power, not just to choose but to walk away from the relationship if they want. If they do leave then we obviously weren’t a match. If they stay then I know I mean enough to them to be worth the chance. There is value in both outcomes. 

There’s something to be clear about at the close of this article which is that informing a partner doesn’t make you saintly. This is just what people should be doing for one another. Choosing to sidestep the act of doing another person harm is the bare minimum of what being a decent person entails. It’s just that there are so many self-absorbed folks out there that those of us with a modicum of empathy and respect shine by comparison. 

Be decent and share your status.

7 Tips to Find Out if Your Crush Likes You: and how to handle it if they don’t.

I wrote this specifically for guys dating gals because I’ve noticed a pattern among some men and I think this can help. However, my advice is in no way strictly related to men and all types of folks may find it useful so switch the pronouns around as it fits you and run with it till your hearts content. 

Here is the scenario I often see. There is a girl you like and she likes you back. The two of you talk regularly, flirt with one another and then one day you realize that she doesn’t feel the same way. She either started dating someone else, didn’t make time for you like you wanted, or any other number of reasons that made you realize she wasn’t interested. This was incredibly frustrating to you and as you rummaged through your thoughts you start to wonder why she led you on for so long. Maybe you even messaged her to say as much and vent your frustrations. The whole situation stung of rebuke. 

If this has happened to you then I have some bad news, you’re probably exhibiting what is referred to as toxic behavior. It was toxic because there’s a good chance that only you were romantically interested. You made the assumption that she was smitten by romance, but you either didn’t ask specifically or, if you did, failed to heed her response. Then when she acted contrary to your wishes you made her deal with your emotions.

Chances are you’ll deny these assertions which is perfectly natural. It’s the default response when we are confronted with uncomfortable information. I want you to know that I’m here to help you, not berate you. Unless you want to repeat this cycle for the rest of your life and push friends and lovers away, then you should read on as I take you through a better way to guide your thoughts and actions. 

This kind of change is never easy because it requires brutal honesty about your thoughts and habits. Some of these things are probably even rooted in what you think a relationship is supposed to look like and how it behaves. You’re going to have to dig down deep and do some serious personal work. I promise your life will be easier and happier if you do. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve made mistakes in my life and I’ll share those so you can learn from them. This article is for me as much as it is you. The insights I have gained can help you and add depth to your relationships. Along the way, we’ll flush out behaviors and attitudes that are making your life and others miserable. Let’s jump right in with our first tip. 

Tip 1: Don’t assume someone likes you because you like them. 

Sounds simple doesn’t it but I bet you don’t come out as clean on this one as you think. Thanks to our upbringing, guys in America generally grow up to think that if they like someone then that person must also like them. Women don’t generally do this. 

One way in which this plays out is when you see a woman younger than you and say “man if I were 10 years younger. . .” An important joke I keep on the ready is “If you were ten years younger you’d what? Get rejected as a younger man as opposed to a forty year old?” It’s not a way to berate but to help me manage my thoughts and be aware of my assumptions.

There is this idea that the only thing standing in your way is something situational, otherwise you’d be all over women and them all over you. It doesn’t occur to a good number of men that the person you are ogling has their own agency and in fact, is probably not interested in you. 

I don’t say this to be mean but think about it; how many women do you see every day with whom you would seriously want to be in a relationship? Unless you’re terribly lonely, the answer is a significantly smaller percentage than 100%. Sure there are those that you find attractive but we’re talking about next level stuff here and not merely the hormonal driven whims of an aimless libido. 

Well, guess what? Statistically, most women don’t want to be with you either. That’s just how the numbers break. Think about dating for a moment. Every date isn’t going to be with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with (and if it is then please seek help or stop dating and focus on being happy while single). So the fact that you think you have a chance with more women than you do is a delusion. 

My opinion is that most guys, myself included, grow up with this delusion. We can blame whatever we wish, music, movies, pornography, adults that we learn our cues from, but it doesn’t really matter. The key is we have to stop assuming as much and start to see things differently. We are actively disregarding women’s desires and personal agency because we think our desire determines theirs. That’s not how reality works. 

Here’s a story of mine to illustrate why this is important. I had a friend I was very keen on dating and I thought she was interested in dating me. I would say things I thought were flirtatious and that were skirting the edge of outright saying I like you. I was afraid of asking straight out so I slinked around the issue. I see now that my friend could have easily, and did, respond to me without knowing my intentions. In my mind, because I was flirting (poorly) she had to be flirting back. After all, I got goosebumps when she spoke to me. So one day I kissed her on the neck after a hug. 

I know now that it was a total bullshit move. She didn’t respond as I thought she would so I asked her what she did when uncomfortable and she told me she froze up. I said “it seems like you’re frozen now, would it be fair to say that my advances make you uncomfortable?” Surprise! Of course I was making her uncomfortable. 

Then I did what I should have done all along.

Tip 2: Find out if someone likes you. 

So let’s say you’ve been “flirting” with someone for awhile now and you think they are returning your interest, but how do you find out if they like you? Ask them, silly. 

Sorry but there is no other way. Don’t assume it. Stop taking the smile as a gesture, don’t take someone touching you as a gesture of romance, or frequent conversations or anything other than them saying they want to date you. It’s true that those signs could mean they are interested in you romantically but it could also mean you are close friends. To know for sure you’ll have to ask. 

That’s what I did, albeit after the fact, with my friend. It turns out she wasn’t interested in me in that way and me not asking first was a mistake that made the relationship a little awkward for a bit after that. We came out of it after a few days but I could have ruined a friendship and nothing is worth that. 

The benefit of asking if someone likes you is that then you know the truth. You won’t have to worry if that long hug is about friendship or romance anymore. Now you know and that is extremely useful information. 

Here’s how that info works in real life. A couple years later, I had another friend (honestly I don’t just date my friends) whom I liked and thought she perhaps liked me. So having learned from my last experience and before I made any move I simply asked her if she had any interest in a relationship beyond friendship. As it turns out she didn’t, I was projecting my interest and desire onto someone else (again).

While it wasn’t exactly the news I wanted to hear, in a lot of ways it was still good news. It meant that her affection towards me was a product of her meaningful interest and friendship. The closeness we shared I no longer had to fret over. It was about a wonderful friendship. More than that, it let us open up to one another and express our mutual love without worrying about it being misconstrued as romantic. To this day we still tell each other I love you and that is a wonderful thing to share with a friend. 

Keep this next point in mind, asking doesn’t have to be stressful. Did you notice how I asked her? I didn’t straight up ask her out because that would have put her on the spot even more. I simply inquired about her interest in such a thing. If she replied that she was interested then I could have asked her out.

My conversation starter actually went something like this, “you and I are really close and that’s something I cherish. I was curious if any of that closeness came from an interest to be something other than friends. If it doesn’t, that is perfectly okay because while I could be interested in dating what is far more important to me is our friendship. I never want to do anything to mess that up.”

Here’s why I think this works. You establish that you feel close to her and that closeness is important to you. It lets her know that she doesn’t have to pull away or distance herself from being close to you. You are establishing that no one is to blame for that closeness because there is nothing wrong with it. Last, it lays the groundwork for any possible interest outside of friendship as being a mutual decision. Basically, it lets her know you are responsible for your emotions so she doesn’t have to be and that you value and respect her feelings on the matter (i.e. you’re not going to be a dick about it). It’s a low stress option for both people. 

If you think there is another way around this, there isn’t. This is it, you have to ask. Perhaps you’ll find it stressful and maybe you won’t. I find that this alleviates most of the trepidation I have about asking. It’s far less stressful than directly asking someone out (for both people) and it honors the connection you have established so far. 

If the other person says yes then I hope everything works out for the two of you. From here on though, I’m going to discuss what to do if the answer is no. 

Tip 3: Believe the answer and proceed accordingly. 

This step is about boundaries clear and simple. If someone tells you they are not interested, or gives you any type of instruction and you keep acting (i.e. pushing) in a contrary way then you don’t really deserve to be their friend. 

This is toxic behavior and it stems from your inability to be responsible for your emotions. Our emotions are always going to want to run roughshod over logic, we evolved that way so we could procreate, eat, and survive despite the odds. It’s our job now to slow that process down and introduce responsibility into our actions; something for which our ancestors Homo habilis probably had less of a need. Congratulations, you’re evolved. 

When it came to my friend I never let myself doubt what she told me. I would keep returning to our conversation in my mind to guide my thoughts and actions. You should do the same. 

If the person you’re interested in has said there is nothing romantic in the cards then believe them. It doesn’t matter that you want romance. The situation has been resolved. Put it out of your mind and focus on the friendship. 

Don’t tell them that you will always want to date them because that creates tension in the friendship and you really don’t know how you will feel down the road. Just let them know that if anything changes to tell you and it can be discussed further at that time. This will let them know they can be open and honest with you. In the meantime, assume that nothing has changed. After all, you’ve done your part, you have your answer, now focus on being an amazing friend and keep your romantic thoughts unmoored so you can float freely to the next person who sparks your interest. 

That is what the conversation is about after all. You want to ascertain who shares your romantic interest so you can date them if applicable and find someone else if not. 

Tip 4: Other connections are valuable, sometimes more so. 

Realize that friendships are vitally important in your life and don’t think of a friendship versus a relationship. It’s true you may not be dating the person you asked and that can feel like a loss at first but don’t minimize what you still have with this person. 

Try to never use the words, “just friends” because a friendship should never be “just” anything. If someone asks if you are dating say “no, we are friends.” Your friendship can last much longer than your relationship would have because she wants to be your friend. Value this connection because it will make your life richer not poorer.

This should hopefully minimize any anger you feel but if it doesn’t here’s the next useful tip. 

Tip 5: Don’t blame the other person. 

Let’s be honest, life doesn’t always go the way we want it, but you need to own your shit and keep your cool. 

This is the point where guys usually blame the other person for leading them on, which is generally just the result of a guy not adhering to any of the actions above. 

It’s not the other person’s fault that they don’t want to date so don’t keep returning to them with conversations about how upset you are. Remember, everyone is an individual and while you harbored romantic feelings, they did not. It’s not always pleasant but it is unavoidable; we all have our own desires. 

Trust me, I’ve been there. There was a girl in high school I liked and dated very briefly. After this experience I wanted to date again and I asked her several times more. Each time she said no, but I just knew we were meant to be together, though in retrospect I have no idea why. I used all the signs of friendship as indicators of her romantic interest in me. Even her discussing interest in other guys didn’t detour me. I was smitten and delusional. As such, I ignored very clear signs right before my eyes. 

So when I finally felt the reality I was drowning in I talked about it stupidly by saying, “I’ve had enough, I’m not playing games anymore,” and “she just wants to string as many guys along as she can.” If I was being honest, what I should have been saying was “she made it clear she isn’t interested in me and I need to accept that and focus on the friendship” but I was young and dumb and that didn’t happen. I was mad at her when everything was actually my fault. I didn’t believe her answers and I didn’t want to be responsible for my emotions. 

So your first task is to quit blaming the other person and see where you went wrong. You may be young or you may not be, but you don’t have to be dumb. I assure you that if you were pursuing someone and it isn’t working out that you have responsibility to bear. Finding out what that is can be vitally important. 

This isn’t a time for a pity party, none of this, “girls just don’t like me” or “she friend-zoned me” bullshit. You put yourself in the romantic zone not her, the conversation just set you straight and that’s a good thing. Also, if she didn’t like you on a friend level then you wouldn’t be spending time together. So stop the woe-is-me trash talking and realize that the reason you want to disparage her is because you aren’t taking responsibility for your actions and unrealistic expectations. 

Also, don’t go thinking that if you try harder you can make her fall in love with you. This isn’t a fairytale movie where the supposed hero crosses every personal boundary of his love interest and then she falls in love with him anyway. That dude is not a hero. He is emotionally unhinged. You’re not going to be like him. 

You are going to be the person who looks for signs where you may have gone wrong. You’re going to look for times where you let your thoughts go off the rails so you can be more responsible next time. You are going to be a better version of you. 

Tip 6: Don’t make your emotions their problem. 

Nope, seriously dude, don’t do it. 

Everything I’ve talked about so far should help you to see the role you play but if you just can’t see your way clear of your emotions and you are still upset then there’s one last vital piece of advice. Keep your bullshit to yourself. 

Don’t make your problem someone else’s. It’s a dick move for you to stalk, berate, swear at, threaten, or employ your friends in any way because you can’t handle your shit. I know you’re thinking that if she can’t make you happy then you’re going to make her miserable. You think you have to get even. It’s a typical control freak move because you can’t handle the outcome. 

The thing is, you’re not getting even because you are likely the one who was leading yourself on. What is really happening is that you were keeping your feelings for this person hidden because you were too afraid to ask and now that you have your answer you’re making her responsible for your emotions a second time. 

Chances are that as a guy you have never felt as if you are in danger from someone who wanted to date you. It’s a horrible thing to make someone fear for their safety and it’s something that we are generally lucky to avoid. Don’t be someone else’s horror story. Not only will they be glad they aren’t dating you, but it will wreck any chance at friendship. 

You need to be careful about what you tell yourself during these times because an uncentered mind clings to anything that fits a narrative and those lies become a reality. That’s why conspiracy theories have such a grip. They make people feel like they have an understanding of things when the truth challenges their personal beliefs. You’ll believe nearly anything about someone else if it means you don’t have to face who you are or what you believe. 

So be forgiving as much as you can and talk about your former romantic interest kindly and without blame. This will help you realize their autonomy and their importance. It will also help you connect with other people down the line because everyone listens to the words someone uses to talk about an ex or a former interest. If you speak kindly of them people will think kindly of you. 

None of these things are necessarily easy and they will take some serious effort on your part but trust me when I say it is worth the effort. You will be better for it. 

Tip 7: What if you did blow up, what now?

This is a hard one and I think it depends on a number of factors. If there is still an open dialogue happening then that makes it easier. Take responsibility for your actions and apologize. By responsibility I mean you don’t blame them. You just own what you did, say there was no excuse for it and that you are sorry. If you bring up mitigating circumstances then you are still blaming anyone but you. So own it. Maybe the friendship can heal in time and maybe it can’t. 

If there isn’t a dialogue then it falls into one of two camps. If the two of you just stopped talking then it seems reasonable to reach out and try to apologize. Only reach out once. If they don’t want to hear it, or ignore you, then you burnt your bridge. It sucks but move on and let them live their life. Don’t keep trying to apologize over and over. You have no right to their time or mental space and you will just be harassing them. If you insist on having your apology heard then you are just as unstable now as when you did the damage. It shows you haven’t learned a thing. You have to control your emotions here as well. 

The second non-dialogue situation is if the person has made efforts to prevent you from contacting them such as if they have blocked you in email, messaging, social media, gaming accounts, and so on and so forth. Sometimes this will come as a direct request and someone will ask or tell you never to contact them again.

When these things happen then you’re done. Leave them alone. Any contact, even to apologize, is harassment. Period. Congratulations, you were so toxic that they don’t want anything to do with you. You are someone’s monster. If you’re not okay with this (and you shouldn’t be) then you need to take the time to do some serious emotional work and perhaps even seek professional help in the form of a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. 

Remember, the strongest people ask for help because they know it will involve saying they are wrong and that they will have to make changes in their thoughts and actions. Weak people refuse help because it is easier to destroy relationships than take responsibility. Be strong and build a better, more compassionate you. 

Remember, there’s nothing wrong with asking a friend if they want to date, but there can be plenty to go wrong if you don’t ask and if you can’t handle yourself after asking. Be honest, be kind, be compassionate and be a friend. May your life be good and your connections to others run deep. 

Two Years and One Insecurity Later: State of the Relationship Address

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So this is somewhere in the second year of the blog. Sex, Love & Ire began after I was ghosted and probably catfished (fake profile) on a dating site. The event at the time was pretty hard for me to take.

After having this and other disappointing experiences I realized that something was amiss. I shouldn’t be having small emotional breakdowns over these types of scenarios. Dating shouldn’t be this hard, but why was it taking such a toll on me?

My thoughts drifted from this matter as I found myself in a relationship soon after. Ultimately though, I knew the answer to my question. I was afraid of being alone.

Flash forward two years and I’m single once more. I knew I had to make a change. I should be comfortable, even happy, being alone before I begin dating. I couldn’t keep fumbling around with those who weren’t a good fit for me in an attempt to satiate my insecurities. I also couldn’t keep trying to push myself into relationships when someone was a good fit. Those situations need to evolve at their own pace. It was unfair to everyone involved.

I decided to stop dating until I was secure with being single. Having been in a relationship for 20 some odd years it was never a reality I had to face. It was time I did.

And so it was that I set out on a quest to heal myself and become comfortable with where I was in life. My mission mostly looked like this: each time I felt the urge to get on a dating app I would ask myself why I wanted to do so. I discovered it was mostly because I was bored or lonely. When that answer came I knew I had to give myself more time. So I waited and went about my life. Easier said than done.

I started doing things alone that I usually didn’t. Going to concerts, meals, movies, auto races and trips across country all became a means to help me come to terms with spending time alone.

I can’t say how long it takes for the average person to get into a good state of mind for dating. Anyone who quantifies this is probably full of shit. Everyone moves through life at different speeds and we all certainly have our own levels of personal work to do.

For me, after three months I felt good about where I was. I started dabbling in online dating again. I didn’t think things would progress so quickly but the change I felt was remarkable. I went online, matching with people and conversing without the worry of whether or not they liked me. If someone ghosted me or barely responded I just figured they were busy or we weren’t a good fit and went on my way. When I have no matches for a week or so (this happens to me often) it was no problem. I was at ease for the first time and the whole process of finding someone felt healthy. I was more balanced and making better choices.

Then it happened; I matched and started messaging with someone. She wanted badly for me to call her right away so she could hear my voice. I wasn’t comfortable with this and maybe that should have been reason enough to decline. I don’t mind phone calls, but something about this request was a bit off. However, because I often push my boundaries we talked briefly.

The two minute phone conversation was heavily laden with sexual innuendos and even outright statements about having sex. This was all on her end because I am tragically bad at flirting; nearly incapable would be another way of putting it. Heavy sexual advances can actually make me uncomfortable (when I don’t know a person) and unfortunately that’s the only level of flirtation that I can detect. Everything I mentioned she steered back to heavy flirting. I wasn’t having it. She was driven in her need to flirt and something about it felt familiar and unstable. In some ways it felt like me a couple of years back.

I was on a strict timeline so I said goodbye and told her she would hear from me. “Do you promise” she said. “Of course” I replied and concluded our conversation.

That night I sent some follow up messages to her and each time I received a one word reply. I’m pretty verbose and a bit of a sapiosexual (finds intelligence attractive) so brevity and a lack of interest are obvious red flags for me. I stopped messaging, I’m sure she wanted it that way.

I started to think about our encounter and how similar it was to when I was actually stood up. So much of the language was similar. Even her voice and the tempo at which she talked so closely resembled my first encounter of being catfished that I began to wonder if it was the same person.

Two years ago, this would have sent me for another mini tailspin but I felt healthy and calm exiting this incident. The difference in my reaction was amazing. Here I had my first interaction with someone online and it was a total bust (well I dodged a bullet really) but it didn’t bother me. I didn’t cry, I didn’t start another blog (whew), it didn’t send me into any kind of emotional state. This was just something that happened and because I’m now okay with being single I could walk through that fire unscathed. Of course, I don’t like being played but I really don’t feel that I was. My new found comfort had allowed me to see the dynamics of what was happening. Not only could I sense the other person’s insecurity, it was a bit of a turn off.

I should take this moment to say that I know my security with being single won’t make me impervious; there will still be hurt. I will still find people with which I want to explore a relationship and they won’t feel the same. There is no way to guard against that and anyway, I don’t want to. Some things should hurt.

The remarkable thing about this experience was I realized that until the fear of being single is dealt with it will remain. When I was with someone that fear (arguably) went away but after the relationship ended it was waiting for me like a loyal companion.

This has been a valuable experience for me. I’ve learned that becoming comfortable in being single isn’t a way of giving up on finding someone, rather it frees me to be a better version of myself. When the right person comes along I will be available and when the wrong person comes barreling at me I can sidestep that collision. Dealing with my insecurity was one of the best things I’ve ever done.

I see and know people that haven’t taken the time to be secure with themselves. You know them too. They are the ones that move from relationship to relationship with hardly a month between. For many this type of behavior doesn’t even seem extreme so used to seeing it are we. If any of this sounds familiar for you, consider taking a moment to become happy with being single. If you do I will promise this much; the version of you that exits this experience will be such a better person than you can imagine.

“Will You Give Me Herpes?”

Those were the words that were staring me in the face on my screen. I didn’t know what to think. Was someone pulling a prank or testing me in some weird fashion? As it turns out they were dead serious. This person had an STD fetish and while they didn’t want anything that could potentially end their life, they were very interested in contracting genital herpes.

I was taken aback for a second. After all, here was this aspect of me that I would gladly delete from my life if I could (pretty sure most with HSV would) and now someone else actually wanted this pesky little virus.

My answer came pretty readily. No, I would not intentionally give someone herpes. I have two goals related to this infection and the first is that my partners will be informed of my condition before engaging in any activity that is a risk to them. The second is to take every measure to ensure that I transfer this to no one. Life is unpredictable of course, but I need to know that I’m protecting who I’m with as much as possible.

If I were to have unprotected sex with them my first goal could remain intact as they would be informed. My second goal though could not survive. They explicitly wanted me to help them get herpes. Now, I don’t think that sharing herpes is as easy a task as it may seem but logistics was obviously not the problem here. I couldn’t bring myself to knowingly give someone this virus. Just for the sake of argument, even if I could bring myself to participate in this person’s fetish I would bump up against my next difficulty.

What if they later on they come to regret having herpes? This is admittedly a complex issue for me because I firmly believe in a person’s autonomy. People should be able to make their own decisions and those decisions don’t have to align with my desires. However, this decision does directly involve me and as an actor in this moral dilemma I get to have a say about how I use my body.

Putting aside the philosophical argument of whether full autonomy can ever be experienced I’m going to maintain here that it can. It’s one of the reasons I want to be completely truthful with those in my life. I want their decisions to be made with every bit of information possible. The more info they have the better decision they can make. If a partner knows my condition, the nature of the disease, means of transmission, and precautionary measures we can employ then they have as much knowledge as I do. We have at least reached parity on that front.

If I went ahead and tried to help them I would be respecting their autonomy. However, I had reason to believe that they weren’t acting in their best interest. To start with they had a STD fetish. Sometimes fetishes become almost like a pathology which would be cause for concern. I ruled this out though because in my very non-professional opinion there was a desire present to avoid injury such as HIV. I feel like this avoidance of harm sidestepped the pathology issue.

Regardless, fetishes come and go. This person was also 18 years of age and the younglings are still figuring out who they are and what they want. For fucks sake, I’m 41 (as of this writing) and I’m still working on that. It’s part of self growth and it’s a continuous process as we age. Our work is never done in this respect.

I dislike undermining someone’s autonomy but there is a chance that later in life they might regret intentionally contracting herpes. I don’t want to be part of that scenario. That is my choice. If they decide to continue trying to get some type of STD/I then that is their choice.

Another thought I had was isn’t life about experiences and wouldn’t not having sex be a lack of experience? As someone who is single I don’t have sex more days than I do, but it doesn’t feel like a lack of experience. Then again, on those days I don’t have an offer laid at my feet like this.

Ultimately, I concluded that perhaps I may miss out on a sexual experience or two with this person but that regret is much to do about nothing so long as I can avoid a much worse ethical regret. I don’t feel as if I’m missing out. Even if life is only about experiences (a notion I do not explicitly subscribe to) then this whole situation is certainly a much more unique scenario (i.e. experience) than having sex will likely ever be.

All in all, this is the right decision for me to make. I want to protect this person even though I’ve never met them and even though I am disregarding their wishes. I also want to feel good about my role in the world and my relationships with others. This is certainly a situation I never thought I would encounter and yet here I am.

I would say life definitely threw me a curve with this one but I am happy with the outcome. Maybe this person will fulfill their fetish. So be it. If that happens then at least I can rest well knowing I wasn’t part of it. That good feeling will last far longer than any from sex ever will.

My Partner Told Me They Have Genital Herpes

So you’ve met someone you like and you’re ready to take things to the next level, but your partner has just told you they have genital herpes.

As someone who themself has genital herpes I want you to know a few things about how to approach this situation with grace and be empowered to make a healthy decision.

So what can you do?

Consider yourself respected

If you are with someone who has informed you they have herpes then that’s one sign that you may have found someone who truly values you as a person. After all, between breakouts (of which some people never have) there is no way for you to tell if someone is infected.

By telling you about herpes or any other STI/D before you have sex they are putting your needs before their own. This is pretty sexy in and of itself. They are giving you the gift of informed consent. Something they may not have had.

Ask them questions

The information they have for you is really important. Hopefully, they can tell you what herpes looks like for them, meaning what precautions the two of you can take and the frequency of their outbreaks.

Even better is that talking to them will help you see that they are not what the virus makes them. They are just people getting along in the world like everyone else. They probably don’t define themselves by the fact that they have herpes and neither should you.

Feel free to think about it

If someone springs the info that they have herpes on you while your both naked and ready to throw down then it’s either that things progressed much quicker than they anticipated or they were hoping you would just agree to sex anyway in the heat of the moment. The first is somewhat understandable the second is deplorable.

Either way, you have the right to say “I need to think about this.” You have to determine your risk in a informed and rational way. I for instance, have chosen both to avoid risks and accept them depending on the circumstances. Obviously, you have this right as well.

Do some research

There’s nothing wrong with seeking out sources other than your partner. Not everyone is fully versed on herpes and it will also help you with your piece of mind by knowing the information you have is correct. To this end, use reputable medical sites and not a site that is posing as one.

Don’t say you’re clean

Often the words we choose have unintended consequences. By saying you’re clean (STI/D negative) you are implying that those who are not are dirty. In fact, dirty is a word that is often pointed straight at those who have herpes.

Know that herpes is beyond morality

Herpes is a virus, period. It doesn’t give a shit about your ideology. It doesn’t matter if you live a life of religiously endorsed virtue or one that is a virtue of your own endorsement. A virus reaches across all ideological spectrums.

I say this because I want you to know that while your partner’s situation will be different from everyone else who has herpes that it does not mean they lived a life of depravity. There is nothing wrong with them. You should know this because you’re with them. Whatever attracted you to them still exists.

Herpes isn’t normally screened for so even you may well have the virus and not know it. There’s not a lot of reason to check for herpes until you have symptoms. In one study, 90 percent of people who tested positive for HSV2 (genital herpes) had never experienced any symptoms prior (1). That means there are a lot of people walking around with one of the strains of herpes and will likely never know it.

At any rate, don’t fret over your partner’s means of contracting herpes unless it is important to them to discuss it.

How did I get herpes?

Why is this here? Because you’re probably wondering. Keep in mind that this is information that you really have no right to. So if your talking to someone and they mention their positive HSV status it’s not okay to ask how they got it. They will volunteer that info if they want you to know.

However, I have a blog dealing with this and I’m comfortable talking about it. I think I received herpes through viral shedding. None of my partners had any visible symptoms, none of them informed me about an HSV2 risk and I trust those I was with sexually. I don’t think the person that infected me knew they had it.

Viral shedding is where the virus is attached to a skin cell that falls from one body and then enters the body of another through a mucous membrane or a wound. The herpes virus lives for a very short time outside of the body but when your close to someone a short time is all that it can take.

Because I was infected in a place a condom doesn’t cover it seems likely that the point of entry for me was a razor nick in my skin (some recommend shaving a day before a sexual encounter rather than the day of to allow some time to heal).

I don’t regret anything. This is just one of those things that happen. I abstain from sex during any breakouts (which seemed to have stopped) and wait seven days after healing as recommended. Anyone I’m with sexually knows my status and we work around it when needed. The results have been good and so far I seem to be keeping herpes all to myself, lol. Which is the ideal situation for everyone.

I hope this little bit of info helps about how to address the revelation that your partner has herpes. Couples working with herpes have full and rich relationships and if you choose so can you. As the saying goes stay calm, and carry on.

1 – https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2015/11/02/you-probably-have-herpes-but-thats-really-okay/?utm_term=.d6c8c7199421

How Did Your Sexual Orientation Form?

I think for many people the premise that sexual orientation is not fixed, but can vary with stimuli, will be a difficult one to accept. However, thanks to trans folks (again) we have a wonderful new outlook on the world. Here are a couple of women who might just change the way you think.

https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/the-trans-women-who-become-lesbians-after-years-as-gay-men?utm_source=broadlyfbus&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000050

Are You Heading Towards A Sexless Relationship?

I think this is one of the things that, at least in America, doesn’t get talked about enough. Tons of people have struggled with the frequency of sex in a relationship and many of those have gone on to feel like they are merely a roommate to their significant other.

I can say that I was one of those people and while it was occurring I didn’t really speak to anyone about it. Like one of the scenarios mentioned in this article I eventually didn’t have any desire to have sex at all; my body just wasn’t producing those hormones anymore. While it wasn’t the biggest reason for the end of that relationship it was certainly a factor.

So know that others have been through this as well. You’re not alone and if your relationship hasn’t ended maybe there’s something you can do about it.

7 Signs You’re On Your Way To A Sexless Marriage

Rape Fantasies: What are they and why they should be renamed

I’m including this as an article for men because I think it’s important for guys who may have heard the term rape fantasy to understand that this isn’t really about rape. Far from it actually as the fantasy is completely controlled by the woman and is lacking any of the harms normally associated with the heinous act of rape.

However, if a woman has thoughts like these and wonders if it is normal then this is a good place to start reading and ease your concerns. Congrats, you’re perfectly normal.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201411/don-t-call-them-rape-fantasies