Recently my relationship ended. This means I find myself single but with a different set of emotions than normally happens. It has been a bit confusing to sort through, if for no other reason than the unfamiliarity in which I find myself.

The thing is, I don’t really feel any strong emotions about the current demise of my relationship or being single. I should clarify that I am truly sorry that the romantic relationship is over but it had to end as a few aspects of the relationship would not have been healthy to maintain for either party.

Generally though, when relationships end, there is some level of anger or a deep feeling of loss. I do not have that. Granted, I did not lose the relationship with my former significant other entirely, we are still friends. They know more about me than anyone ever has and we communicate regularly. The end was also amicable so there is no hostility to be had. I’m guessing that is why I don’t have the sadness or the anger that can sometimes happen after a break up. 

Generally, after the grief of a lost romantic relationship passes I start to look towards dating or physical connections with others. This has not happened either. It’s also only been 6 weeks since the relationship officially ended. I suppose that’s too soon to have developed a balanced desire for something intimate or a relationship with someone else. This too feels somewhat natural but also strangely unsettling.

It is as if I am living in a void of emotion at the moment when I am used to feeling more intensity.

Another interesting wrinkle, is I went out with a friend and they were telling me about someone who was going to rendezvous with us later in the day. I was told this person was available and could be amenable to dating me (so much for that person’s autonomy). Also during the day we happened upon another person who I got the feeling may have been interested in me.

I found both of these people attractive, in some ways ideally so, but I didn’t feel any need to go beyond that. In each instance, I was perfectly fine letting the encounter pass.

A couple of my friends said that going through all of this is what it means to be emotionally mature. That I don’t have to fill a space with someone just because there is a space available. Rather, I have the desire to exist in that space myself until I feel that I am balanced again. I suppose that could be true. The void I feel definitely has an unbalanced feel to it.

I am also wondering if my lack of desire stems from wanting something significant, but not yet being ready for that. Don’t get me wrong, I know me and at some point I will probably enter into some type of mutually agreed upon sexual connection that will have no possibility of becoming a romantic relationship.

However, when I resume dating I think I will be seeking less sex and more love.

I think what is also occurring is that I am getting used to allotting my time differently. There isn’t as much mental energy going to a significant other each day and so I am not sending love to another person. The absence of this accounts for my feeling of having no feelings. I am in an adjustment period that I need to navigate successfully before I can begin another relationship.

Perhaps, if I were to spontaneously meet the right person I will find all of this evolving very quickly into something else. I cannot orchestrate that moment though. Right now it would have to happen organically, not via a dating app with that purpose in mind. 

For now though I am not yet content where I am, though I feel it approaching. Once contentment has been achieved then I can progress to being happy. Currently, I am wading through the middle ground and apparently this is where I need to be.

–

Article soundtrack: Can’t Swim – me vs all of y’all, Bloomer – deny, Samiam – Crystallized, Itchy – prison light, Enter Shikari – (pls) set me on fire, Real Friends – six feet.