Why I Don’t Say I Have Herpes On My Dating Profile

When I talk about my difficulties in dating one of the things I mention is having herpes. People have asked me why I don’t say I have herpes on my dating profile. This is an excellent question and whether to list a positive status is something that those with herpes often ponder. After all, if I eliminate the people who aren’t okay with this fact up front then my chances of finding a match should be better.

Everyone is going to have their own approach but here is why I do not state that I have herpes on my dating profile and why it works for me.

The first reason is that of all the things I want people to evaluate me by it’s not that I have herpes. Obviously I’m not shy or I wouldn’t be talking about it now. Still, I want someone to know my qualities first and not the fact that I have a virus.

I believe there are good people who would rule me out if they read about herpes in my profile. I get it, herpes can be a complication that some may just simply choose to avoid all together. So when they see it in a profile they think “well that person is a good fit but I don’t know what to do with that whole herpes thing so I’ll pass.” If I don’t list having herpes then I can disclose after a couple of dates. In essence, I’m banking on my personality and I feel much better with those odds. Now the same person may think “this is a really nice guy and we do seem to click so I’ll just roll with it.”

One of the things people ask is, “wouldn’t listing your herpes status connect you to other folks with herpes?” I think the answer to that is yes, and while I will gladly date folks with herpes, it brings me to my second reason which was a bit of an unexpected discovery for me.

I don’t want to attract extremely broken people. If that sounds harsh it probably is but here’s my reasoning. I recently joined four private Facebook groups for people with herpes. I was hoping that I might find some sort of kinship there. Instead, what I found were a bunch of sad sacks with a serious case of the poor me’s. I couldn’t take all the negativity from people who obviously felt like herpes made them irreparably damaged. Their anger and lack of self-worth spilled over into every conversation and what should have been simple posts became arguments and just another chance to put someone down.

Now I get it, herpes isn’t something most people choose but here we are so let’s just fucking rock it. People generally spend so much time comparing themselves to others that they never take the time to figure out who they are. They think they have established a sense of self, but they’re far from it.

Humans have played this mental game with themselves for thousands of years and it goes something like this; these people are X and X is wrong/bad. Since I’m Y, I’m not an X, and therefore I’m right/good. If it’s not obvious the problem with this is that if someone only ever determines their worth as a product of how they deem someone else then it doesn’t take much to topple that house of cards. It’s not real self worth.

For example, if Jane thinks Ben is a dirty person because he has herpes then what will Jane think about herself when she ends up with herpes? The only thing that made her unlike Ben was a virus which she now has. Jane is going to feel like crap because her ideas of self worth were based on complete and utter bullshit.

Having contracted herpes these people have become the other (ie: the person they used to make fun of or think of as dirty) and it consumes them. They can’t get beyond how others may view them knowing what they used to think.

These folks are so beat down and fearful that many of them only want to date other folks with herpes. I really don’t want to attract someone who is scared of putting them self out there; someone who is just settling for another with the same virus.

If I date someone with herpes I want them to know they are still awesome. Keeping my status unlisted seems the best way to accomplish this. Someone will have to be bold enough to put themselves out there knowing their status and not knowing mine. I want that bravery for myself and from a partner.

Another reason I don’t give my status on my profile is that I don’t view the effort spent on someone else as a waste of time. Anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “you wasted my time” after dating someone when it didn’t work out is probably a piece of shit parading around as a human being and I put probably in there just to make me sound nicer.

Dating, hell life itself, is about taking chances and being vulnerable. If I date someone for a couple of dates (or months) and they drop some facts on me I can’t handle (like they watch the television show The Bachelor) I don’t view it as a waste of time. I took a chance and now I know we aren’t compatible. That’s good information to have. I consider information gained as a win. We didn’t work and I can look elsewhere.

The final reason I don’t list my status is that I’m perfectly comfortable talking about the fact that I have herpes so it’s not necessary for my profile to do that. I envision that dating me is a bit like blunt force trauma; someone is going to get all my truths in a very short period of time. As a result, I reveal my positive status fairly quickly so someone will know within three dates or less. They have then had the opportunity to briefly size me up (as I mentioned previously) and see if they view me as a potential partner.

Well, those are my reasons. Ultimately, I’m just a person looking for my person. In doing so, I hope to find someone who has done as much developmental work on them self as possible. Keeping my positive status off of my dating profile seems to be the best way to find a good match.

An Alternative View of Labels

Like one of the authors of the articles below I have always wondered if labels concerning human sexuality do us more harm than good. I think there are arguments for both sides and I find the interplay of ideas particularly interesting.

Here are two stories of people who though they were stalwart adherents to a particular way of being until someone special helped them discover an unexpected truth about love.

I Came Out as A Lesbian – Then Fell In Love With A Man

How My Sexuality Changed When My Husband Became My Wife

As you can see by the titles, the first story follows a traditional view of relationships while the latter has a more non-traditional story arch. I hope you enjoy them and whoever you love now or come to love in your life, I wish you the greatest happiness.

How Did Your Sexual Orientation Form?

I think for many people the premise that sexual orientation is not fixed, but can vary with stimuli, will be a difficult one to accept. However, thanks to trans folks (again) we have a wonderful new outlook on the world. Here are a couple of women who might just change the way you think.

https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/the-trans-women-who-become-lesbians-after-years-as-gay-men?utm_source=broadlyfbus&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000050

Why She Is A Slut And You Shouldn’t Care

A very short but useful article straight from the source. If you want to help her cause, stop slut-shaming when you hear it. I’m fairly easy going but I’m quick to interject my alternative view that there is nothing wrong with being more open with your body and sexuality than others may be comfortable with.

http://www.femalista.com/im-a-slut-and-100-proud-of-it-so-stop-shaming-me-already/

The Future of Queer in America Looks Bleak

Whenever conservative politicians say “we want to protect everyone’s rights” they mean the ability for other conservatives to discriminate against those they dislike without reprisal. It’s a wink and a nod to various forms of hate, disgust and intolerance. Not only that, it will most likely be our future.

Trump Attorney General still wants to pass law to permit anti-LGBT discrimination

We have yet to see how the Anti-Justice League of Trump will act when faced with protests and dissent. I don’t see a lot of budging on their part. However, resistance and each other are what we have right now. Let’s be there for one another, stand tall and fight like hell.

Wait Till You See These Old Photos of Men

These photos are awesome and they will turn the very notion of what men used to be compared to what they are now on its head.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/07/29/bosom-buddies-a-photo-history-of-male-affection/

Rape Fantasies: What are they and why they should be renamed

I’m including this as an article for men because I think it’s important for guys who may have heard the term rape fantasy to understand that this isn’t really about rape. Far from it actually as the fantasy is completely controlled by the woman and is lacking any of the harms normally associated with the heinous act of rape.

However, if a woman has thoughts like these and wonders if it is normal then this is a good place to start reading and ease your concerns. Congrats, you’re perfectly normal.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201411/don-t-call-them-rape-fantasies

Do You Dream Of Another Guy With Your Wife?

If you do apparently you’re not alone. This is one of the most prevalent fantasies that guys have and the motives behind this imagined scenario are actually quite diverse. This phenomena was a complete mystery to me so if you’re like me or if you have this fantasy and are curious to learn more about it then read on and enjoy.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201602/what-secret-male-sexual-fantasy-is-surprisingly-common

I’m making this guy week because as I look back through my saved articles many of them relate to men so I figured I would clear out the information banks and share them.

Fighting In A Relationship Again? – Do this next time instead

So here’s a little discovery I made recently that may help you deal with some relationship problems. When something happens in your relationship and you place blame on the other person for doing something wrong take a step back and try to consider the situation without any blame at all for your partner.

This will force you to view the situation differently. You will still want to come up with an explanation for what occurred but you won’t be able to resort to blame. Because of this it should help change your focus in two ways.

The first is that it will cause you to try and understand why your partner did whatever it is you’re upset about. This is super valuable because you may find that there is a sufficiently valid reason for what happened and that your frustration is misplaced entirely. This way when you see them next the conversation can shift from one of blame to one of reflection, understanding and ultimately support.

The second thing likely to happen is that you will start to question whether you have any blame to shoulder. That’s right, this is a rigged game and while you can’t blame your partner it is perfectly acceptable to look for fault in yourself. This is not a double standard. Remember this is an exercise that is designed to change how you look at particular situations. People don’t generally seek to blame themselves, but you likely have a role to play in this however well-meaning your intentions were.

If you think you found something you have done wrong then own it. The great thing about taking responsibilities for your actions is that when you talk about this with your partner, which you should totally do, they will see that you are capable of self-reflection. This means that they won’t always have to be the one to point these types of things out to you. You are capable of doing so yourself.

Once you start to see things in a new light it’s the perfect time to ask your partner for even more information. Have them help you understand more about what they were feeling and what they feel caused the problem. Together the two of you (or more for you poly folks) can help minimize the impact of similar situations when they occur or even prevent them all together.

So I called this a little discovery, but I think it can actually have a huge impact on the health of your relationship. If you have any experience with this or additional thoughts about this I would love to hear them.

Teaching Moments: Why you shouldn’t tell someone to Google it

Dating (and defining ourselves in general) can be a frustrating experience and often times when people don’t do the research into your identity terms it can be frustrating. However, don’t tell them to look it up. For one that makes you look like a giant dick so leave that shit off your dating profile, plus you don’t know what site they will use. If they go to the urban dictionary, which is complete shit, then they might come away with a pretty toxic view of who you are. Let them ask you if they want and look at it as a teaching moment for them to learn about you in your voice. They want to know about you from you. That’s pretty flattering.

http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2016/01/why-telling-each-other-to-google-it-hurts-our-movements/

The link above has some other good reasons to stop you from telling people to just look it up. Take care and happy dating.