Month: March 2016

State of the Relationship Address 2: Growth hormones

queer_house

I’ve been enjoying the freedom of being single as of late. With that relationship shift came a greater leeway for dating, which meant new sexual partners and experiences as well as personal growth. It has been good to find out that there is a dating scene for someone approaching 40 (that’s me) and that there is a whole group of people out there who find me desirable. Until now, I had no indication that any of this was the case. It’s been a lot of fun but there’s been something missing and I’m starting to wonder if the lack of a strong emotional component has something to do with it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been seeing (just as good a word as any I suppose) someone for a couple of months and when we’re together I’m definitely encountering some emotions, but they’re a product of the intense physical connections we’re sharing and not necessarily centered around romantic love. I know she would say the same of me in return because she‘s super fucking cool and we openly discuss stuff like this without any reprisal.

When we’re together in the throes of lust I find myself wanting to tell her that I love her. Now I do love her, but it’s in a platonic way not a romantic one (I’ve told her this too). Thankfully I didn’t say anything, but I noticed that when I thought about saying I love you that my level of arousal would increase.

It’s possible that I have the need to say I love you in order to put the experience in familiar territory since most of my sexual experiences have happened while I was in love. I think maybe there is something more at work though which is simply that a part of me wants to be in love.

In the past, I’m pretty sure that in both of my relationships where I have expressed my love that I initially said it too soon for that very reason. Thankfully, both of those relationships lasted long enough to where that hasty sentiment became a very real emotion.

Regardless, this realization has left me longing for the prospect of something more significant from my dating experiences. This all happened in pretty short order and that was something I wasn’t expecting. However, I can tell my slutty phase (and I mean that in the most positive way possible) is in decline because of it. I’m sure I have space for other hookups if the proper person comes along, but I can feel the urge building to accept something a little more serious should a relationship move that way.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t progress through the stages of life so quickly. Whether you want to call it a rebound, sowing my oats, sexual liberation or what have you it’s only been two months since I started sleeping around. I wonder if I should be moving on from this place in my life so soon.

I had a friend tell me once that she was always impressed by how readily I accepted what was in front of me and just logically worked through it at a superhuman pace. While part of me wants to say that she is prone to exaggeration, I’ve had proof that this really is the case.

When my second wife and I decided to end the marriage portion of our relationship (meaning we’re still friends) I experienced almost no jealousy or anger. I had worked through most of those emotions when we opened up our relationship nine months prior. Instead, I spent most of my time working on making sense of our conversations and understanding what had happened. Again, my friends remarked on how well I was doing. Apparently this had been a subject of conversation where they had marveled at how I was handling things. The result of my self-work and evaluation was that a month after my marriage had ended I felt perfectly comfortable dating.

I would say that I’m lucky except that I’ve been working on becoming this kind of person for the last twenty years. It’s not been an accident nor has it been easy. It’s taken an enormous amount of emotional work and some pretty deep soul searching and confidence building. This is why I have very little trepidation about shifting my relationship focus.

After all, it’s not like I’m going to be proposing to every man or woman that I go on a date with. Statistically I’ll be going on quite a few more dates before I find someone for the long term. However, I am ready to select my partners in a way that doesn’t necessarily undercut my chance of long term success which is something that I couldn’t say before (self-sabotage anyone?). Somehow this feels like a healthier place to be. Time will tell if I’m meant to be here. For now there’s no pressure, this is just another part of my story.

Former Hook-up Artist Turns Over New Leaf

Neil Strauss was popular for having written a guide to picking up women. One of his more deplorable techniques was to try and lower a woman’s self esteem so she would sleep with him. A sure sign that his self-esteem was pretty low at the time also.

However, here he seems to have pulled his life together in a more positive manner. I’ll let you be the judge.

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/10/neil-strauss-the-game-book-truth

When I Say Feminism What I Mean Is…

This last month I went to get a haircut, naturally I chitchatted a bit with the stylist. As we were talking, she said she is not a feminist and believes in gender roles. My jaw must have dropped because she started to rationalize this statement, using horrifying example after horrifying example of times in her personal relationship where they used gender roles. I was too stunned to speak and I honestly didn’t know what to say. So I said nothing. I laughed in discomfort, we finished the cut and I left. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. How could anyone, especially a woman, not believe in gender equality? Being me, I decided to comment about it on my Facebook. The majority of my friends have a similar mindset to my own, surely we were all about to have a great conversation on feminism and banishing gender roles.
Oh how wrong I was. Instead I was sent down a deep rabbit hole to redefine my moral conduct and what the sexual revolution looks like to me.

So I posted my post and continued about my day when bing! a notification came through;
“The whole point of the sexual revolution and gender equality is to give people the choice to live how they want. If she wants to live a certain way, then what’s wrong with that?”
Being me, my initial response is usually emotional and all I’m thinking is EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THAT. It is my life’s work to change the sexual culture that plagues America so the thought of encouraging people to live as they want, even if it goes against my moral values, threw me for a loop. As an activist and sexual being I have adopted the mentality that all sex is good sex as long as it is safe, sane, and consensual. At this point, I was starting to question this philosophy. If she is aware of her gender roles, wouldn’t that make it consensual? Was she not agreeing to those terms? The idea that someone can not believe in gender equality and still fall into the perimeters that I had been laying out for the sexual revolution kept me deep in my own head space for days. Yes, I believe in people living the way they chose. The idea of me trying to take away that freedom from someone left a bad taste in my mouth. Then again, so did the idea of allowing these ideas to perpetuate.

At this point in my thought process, I began to think about all the sexual activities I am into and have ‘justified’ because they were safe, sane, and consensual. Consensual nonconsent, spanking, choking, and activities like these which many others may view as dangerous, crazy, or weird I find to be ok under the guidelines of safe, sane, and consensual. The more I thought, the more I fell into these mind loops that I wasn’t being supportive, that I was going against all that I stood for till a notion dawned on me. My sexual activities are just that, activities. Others can choose, or not, to take part in them. Gender inequality however, is not an activity we just get to opt out of. We don’t get to tell everyone else if we want to use gender roles or not. When we allow these societal norms of inequality to continue, we are allowing inequality to reign over ALL of us, not just a select few. There is not a way to pick and choose this kind of matter, it is an all or nothing sort of deal. That is one deal I won’t take.

Something I have noticed in my exploration of the American sex culture, is that using the word feminism almost always gets negative comments back… and I work in the adult entertainment industry. Never once have I been put down for doing porn but as soon as I say ‘feminist’, there is an uproar. I wonder why this word causes such strong, negative reactions. Merriam-Webster defines feminism as  the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. That’s it. Equal rights and opportunities regardless of gender. Somewhere along the way it seems this has been misconstrued. Feminists these days are made out to be unattractive, men hating woman who scream angrily and while waving cardboard signs in your face. I don’t see anything in the dictionary about that…
When I say feminism what I mean is…
I don’t want to live in a world where a short skirt makes me a whore and a target
I don’t want to live in a world where men are told they have no control over themselves
I don’t want to live in a world where boys can’t play with barbies and girls can’t play with dumptrucks
I don’t want to live in a world where a person’s birth given genitals make them superior or inferior
When I say feminism what I mean is…
As a woman, I should have the same rights and opportunities as men
As a man, I should have the same rights and opportunities as women

That’s it. It really is that simple of a definition.

 

~~Merasmin~~

I Don’t Shit Rainbows

NFb6j

If you were to read my dating profile you would see that it lists a number of progressive ideas about sex positivity and gender self-determinism. Listing that info is a double edged sword. On the plus side, these are views that women don’t encounter much while perusing through men so it definitely sets me apart. Also, listing this allows me to attract quality people. Someone who is homophobic isn’t likely to show interest in me if I list myself as a pansexual feminist. A thinning of the herd that I’m wonderfully happy with by the way.

However, I often feel as if I’m fetishized to a degree. I get the impression that some of those folks expect me to be the most evolved person to walk the face of the Earth. If I show up to a date and I don’t have rainbows shooting out of my ass (a known carcinogen by the way) or pieces of the mountain top I was meditating on still stuck to my clothes people get disappointed. I can appreciate the enthusiasm but the expectation feels unrealistic and oppressive.

What I do is for others in a general sense and I don’t fucking care if it looks like what someone else expects it to. For instance, I identify as cisgender because I agree that failing to do so creates an accepted group (those happy with their assigned gender) and an outcast group (those happy with their non-assigned gender – i.e. transgendered). The same goes for allosexual. I don’t feel like asexual (or demi or graysexual) people should feel like anything other than normal so I categorize the level of my sexual desire. By doing things like this I’m helping to create the kind of world in which I want to live.

Did you catch that last part? The world I want to live in. My actions are for me too. How’s that for enlightened? Even if what I do primarily has a benefit to others, it also helps me to become the person I wish that I (and everyone else) was. It makes me happy to be who I am. It’s that whole, be the change you want to see shtick.

Ever since I was called a racist at 17, all I’ve ever wanted to do is be a better person. That impetus has brought me to where I am now and I’m reaping the benefits. I’m happier than I’ve ever been and for the first time I’m starting to cultivate a group of friends with shared values. My friends, dates and other random people tell me the nicest and most heartfelt things and I know it’s because I have done the same for them and that I’ve created an environment where they trust me. Moments like those bring tears to my eyes when I think about it. I’m finally having the intimate meaningful connections with people that I’ve always wanted to have. It’s such a wonderful place to be.

However, I’m not perfect. I’m still just a clump of electrical and bacterial processes that we call human. As confidant as I am I still have insecurities that can occasionally lead me to be emotionally unhealthy. I’m working on it. Sometimes I get excited about a topic and I realize that I’ve been talking for 5 minutes and unintentionally monopolizing the conversation. I’m working on that too. I’m a radical sometimes to a fault. I’m wondering how to work on that or if I even should. I also use profanity. I’ve no plans to work on that at all because if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

Okay look, I realize that most of you who read this will never meet me (I mostly blame you), but you can extrapolate this into your own life. Whoever, you’re in the process of idolizing make sure you do a reality check on what it means to be human.

People are wondrous and beautiful creatures and we exist in a myriad of ways, but obviously we’re not perfect. Sometimes our imperfections make us beautiful. Other times, it’s how we deal with those imperfections that make us shine. Either way we all have work to do and that’s okay.

Mal, a character from the television series Firefly, said it best, “It’s my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sommbitch or another.”

Hell, I don’t even have a statue made of me unless you count voodoo dolls and burning effigies.

The Reason Trans Men Are Less Visible Than Trans Women

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sidney-chase/why-doesnt-america-want-t_1_b_8972858.html

What the author talks about here is not new information, but it’s information worth knowing.

Considering gender norms in sociology there is a theory about power relations and public angst. It’s that men have power and privileged in American by virtue of our patriarchal society. So if a woman becomes a man then it is generally understood that it is a means to some power and privilege that was not accessible to him as a woman.

What people have a harder time understanding is why a man would become a woman because it is a relinquishing of that power and privilege. I think it is this dynamic that causes people to feel like trans women are somehow more reprehensible (sorry but we’re not talking about evolved thought here) than trans men and even women. The gender/sexual transition is not really the problem, it’s the rejection of masculinity in favor of femininity.

This is why trans men fly under the radar. They are less visible than trans women because wanting to be male is something our culture understands. Trans women buck the norm to a greater degree than trans men.

This is why the trans and feminist movements desperately need each other. That intersectionalism is needed to get to the root of the problem and help us realize what’s really going on here. Of course, we’re all beautiful people; we just need the tools to help everybody realize it.

Masculinity As A Crutch

“I think the white-knuckled grip some men keep on what defines a man” is “clinging to an old idea of the world, one they can control, one that isn’t new or different or equal or, let’s just say it, actually happening.”

One of my ideas for writing has been to do something like this article by David Greenwald. Until that is penned (and even after) you should really read this.

https://medium.com/@davidegreenwald/against-masculinity-498339cb8f42#.msue0qrsc

Note: I took a few liberties with the quote above such as splicing two sentences and removing a question mark, but I think it is the essence of the paragraph from which it was pulled. I just thought you should know in the spirit of honesty.

Fear Not and Do the Dishes

Read this first.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/more-chores-husband-does-more-likely-marriage-will-end-divorce-242815

I read this article because I instantly knew it would be a steaming pile of shit and that it would be a good example of how people misconstrue research. I was partially correct.

I studied sociology in college and so I have a passing familiarity with research and statistics, though by no means am I an expert.

However, I knew the headline alone was crap. It read, “The more chores a husband does, the more likely the marriage will end in divorce.” That is categorically wrong as it implies that one led to the other. There are quite a few studies similar to this where couples who believe in non-traditional roles will have lives that often follow non-traditional paths. In this instance, if a hetero couple doesn’t believe that females should do all of the house work then they are also less likely to view marriage as a vow that can never be altered or revoked and so can be more likely to view divorce as an option.

To the article’s credit they do mention this. That doesn’t make up for the headline or the leap they take next.

The authors say that this research contradicts other studies which talk about how men are happier when they share more of the home chores. How does this contradict? Because divorce is supposed to be unhappy or undesirable? Let’s keep in mind that sometimes divorce is both a desirable and happy occasion. Happily ever after can include divorce.

Still, let’s assume that divorces are horrible and that no one has ever been happy at the conclusion of one. What do we really gain by this? We’ve all likely been in relationships that have failed, but does that mean that we were unhappy all the way through? Of course not.

I can vouch from experience that when I didn’t pull my weight around the house I would feel bad about myself and the role I was playing. When I did step up and shoulder my share of the responsibility I felt so much happier about what I contributed to the relationship and how it removed a burden from my partner. The fulfillment I felt when helping was independent of whether my relationship continued or ended.

So in the end this article is the steaming pile of shit I had imagined it to be, but at least the authors caught a whiff of it before then passing it off as something of quality. Men; doing the dishes won’t lead to a divorce, but acting as if both people have a determination over the path their life takes just may. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Better Sex Through Sharing

I’m going to let these links do most of the talking because there’s not much I could really add to it, except to say this. When I was young I learned the importance of tending to my partners needs because I wanted them to have a good sexual experience. What I found out is that when each partner can help craft the experience, not only is it easier for each person to derive pleasure, but the sex will be much better for all involved.

The Problem

http://feministing.com/2016/01/19/what-i-would-have-said-to-you-last-night-had-you-not-cum-and-then-fallen-asleep/

Some Reasons For The Problem

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/12/orgasm-inequality

Her Pleasure Is Not About You: Don’t let it go to your head

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/12/focusing-on-her-pleasure/

The G-Spot and Clitoris How To

http://www.askmen.com/dating/vanessa_100/115_love_secrets.html

Here’s my tip for the g-spot, it’s relatively easy to find. With your partner lying on her back and after some generous foreplay to get you both in a good state of mind, insert your middle finger (palm up) fully into her vagina. Once done gently press up towards her stomach until your finger rests on her vaginal wall. At this point one part of your finger is likely resting against her G-spot even though you may not feel it yet. Bend your finger slowly like your motioning for someone to come to you. When you do this, keep your finger tip against her vaginal wall. As you follow the vaginal wall you should feel an area that is rougher than the rest. The video below describes it as having a walnut like texture and that’s not too far from wrong, but it’s not that pronounced in every woman. Imagine feeling a tongue with really large overdeveloped bumpy taste buds and you’ll be close to what the area feels like. The g-spot varies in size between women and can become larger when a woman is significantly aroused. Among my partners I’ve experienced a g-spot that was barely the size of my finger tip and another where the area was so large that it actually folded onto itself a little. Variety is the spice of life and now that you’ve found it you can use the info in these links to her advantage.

Forget about making your partner squirt for now, but this video shows some decent technique to stimulate the g-spot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLGxQHCzLHM

State of the Relationship Address: The saga begins

queer_house

I should have wrote this two months ago, because I can already feel myself shifting from this position, but this is where I was then.

—-+—-

Alright folks, gather round fer some truth tellin. So here’s what I know about my relationship situation so far.

I met my first wife when I was 17 years old. When that relationship ended I immediately (like next day immediately) started dating my second wife. Was that smart? Probably not, but you’re falling behind already so try and keep up. So, I’ve been in two concurrent relationships for the last 21 years which means that I only had sex with two people (perhaps shallow but relevant later). I’m now going through my second divorce and as far as break-ups go it’s one of the best. It would seriously go down in the record books for how well we get along and how we immediately moved into being friends.

I’m not afraid to be vulnerable again and in fact I’ve already put my heart in harm’s way a couple of times and I’m better for the experience. However, I have no desire to settle into anything similar to the type of relationship that I recently ended. Not yet. It would be too much too soon. Plus I’ve never really dated so I want to enjoy that experience for awhile.

So where does that leave me? Well, it means that for the moment I don’t want a monogamous relationship. Part of me feels that non-monogamy will be less serious. Not because it is necessarily so, there are some very serious open-relationships out there. However, there seems to be more non-monogamous people who are willing to accept casual as a viable choice. The other is that I want to experience sex in a multitude of forms and with more than one person for awhile. I settled down so fast that I was never able to explore. If it happens that I find myself with one person again I want to do so knowing that I was able to venture in my own way for awhile. I do have a few things to check off of my sex bucket list. (Sex Bucket! Coming to a store near you!) This means that I don’t expect my partners to be monogamous either. This little bit is pretty much all I know. Although, it’s not a bad start.

My unknowns are vast at this point. Mainly because I’ve never done this type of thing before and society doesn’t write the script for this relationship style. Quite the contrary it is generally frowned upon.

Among the many things that I wonder is how long should these relationships last? Sometimes I feel like it would be better to have shorter relationships in order to make sure I don’t enter into anything too serious before I’m ready, but I can’t reasonably guard against that without being unreasonable to my partners. “Sorry we have a really cool thing going, but it’s been 6 months so we have to stop.” I don’t want that to be my style either.

That brings up the question of whether my ultimate choice for a relationship will be one of monogamy or non-monogamy. The choices I’m making now could very much influence my future. I have to consider the chance that I’ll find one or two people so special that I want to try and live out the rest of my existence with them before I ever officially make a choice.

I don’t know if any of this really seems like a struggle to any of you, but all of this stuff is bouncing around in my head on a near daily basis. I’m trying to be open to all of the possibilities and not force anything, but it’s easier said than done.